Sorry X-Files fans

In today’s weird news, wallabies in Australia are eating opium (from legally grown poppy fields) getting high and hoping around in circles. Why is this news? Well, it’s not, really. But it is producing a pretty neat side effect that makes this almost kinda newsworthy and I’m hungover, so suck it.

"We have a problem with wallabies entering poppy fields, getting as high as a kite and going around in circles," Tasmania Attorney-General Lara Giddings was quote in The Mercury newspaper as saying. "Then they crash. We see crop circles in the poppy industry from wallabies that are high."

That’s right. She said “crop circles”.

She told a budget hearing yesterday that she had recently read about the kangaroo-like marsupials' antics in a brief on the state's large poppy industry. Tasmania is the world's largest producer of legally grown opium for the pharmaceutical market. A manager for one of two Tasmanian companies licensed to take medicinal products from poppy straw told the newspaper that wildlife and livestock - including deer and sheep - that eat the poppies are known to "act weird." "There have been many stories about sheep that have eaten some of the poppies after harvesting and they all walk around in circles," Tasmanian Alkaloids field operations manager Rick Rockliff said. Tasmania supplies about 50 per cent of the world's raw material for morphine and related opiates. About 500 farmers grow the crop on 49,420 acres (20,000 hectares) of land.[Source: metro.co.uk]

Sorry nerds, aliens are not trying to communicate with you through symbols in weeds about which KISS album was the best or how to solve the mystery that is ‘girls’. It’s just some wildlife riding the white horse.

Unbreakable

A Yemani plane went down in the Indian Ocean yesterday - the second crash of an Airbus jet in under a month. There were 153 people on board the flight from Comoros to Sanaa. Everyone was feared dead until early Tuesday morning, when officials reported finding a toddler still alive.

Rescuers were searching the wreckage of a downed Yemeni jet Tuesday after the "miracle" discovery of a young child in the Indian Ocean. The child is the only known survivor from the downed Yemenia Airways flight…The child was found in the waters and taken to a hospital, said Captain Abdulkhalek al-Kadi, chairman of Yemenia Airways. "One child is alive and we hope to find more," the chairman said. [Source: cnn.com]

I’m sure I speak for all of you when I say that my heart goes out to the families of the victims. I sincerely hope they find more survivors. In the meantime, I think we should definitely get this kid into some sort of covert military program as he is clearly an X-man.

Texas cops are walking stereotypes

Everyone hates generalizations, except police in Texas, apparently. The state is home to a diverse population. And the intelligent people who’ve found themselves inexplicably living there have been trying to convince the rest of the country that the state is not a hotbed of intolerance, guns, and stupidity. On that note, this story must have been pretty damn disappointing:

FORT WORTH, Texas — Two Fort Worth City Council members are calling for an investigation into a police raid at a gay bar. Councilman Joel Burns says discrimination will not be tolerated. Councilwoman Kathleen Hicks says she's disturbed by the raid that sent at least one person to the hospital. Seven people were arrested during the raid at the Rainbow Lounge early Sunday. Fort Worth police said their officers and agents from the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission conducted code inspections at three bars. Police said two intoxicated people at Rainbow Lounge made sexually explicit moves toward officers and a third grabbed a TABC agent's groin. About 100 people gathered in downtown Fort Worth on Sunday night to protest the raid.[Source:www.chron.com]

Ugh. Why is it that douchebags always cite the “he came onto me” excuse for assaulting gay people? I’m pretty sure it’s still against the law to kick someone’s ass even if they hit on you. I sincerely doubt anyone grabbed anyone’s crotch (I can spot a bullshitter from a mile away. We can smell our own). But even if someone had, it was a drunk person in a dark gay bar confronted with someone dressed as a cop. Mistakes are bound to be made. If I had grabbed your crotch, officer, would I have been beaten with a nightstick? Unsubstantiated reports have said that the men arrested at the bar were also beaten and that they were arrested for public intoxication. If that’s true then, apparently, in Texas, one can only get drunk at home. Lay off the gays, Texas. They’re not bothering you. Didn’t you want to secede from the union a couple months ago? What happened with that? Are you not doing that? Cause it’s totally cool with the rest of us if you do.

True story, the Huston Chronicle article block-quoted above was titled “2 council members want probe into gay bar raid”. Seriously. That got past an editor.

Aw, but then what will I ridicule weekly?

Everyone’s favorite diminutive dictator may be circling the drain. After suffering a stroke last year, no one has seen much of Lil’ Kim Jong Il, but Pyongyang periodically releases photos of him out and about so that he can keep up his image as a living God, as well as keep the tenuous hold he has over his starving populace. But reports have surfaced, once again, that a recent photo of the tiny termagant, may have been *gasp* doctored.

A photo of the North Korean leader recently shown on Pyongyang's state TV appears to be a doctored version of one published in April by the country's official news agency - a possible sign his health is worsening - South Korean media reported Monday. A still photo of 67-year-old Kim Jong Il visiting an army unit, shown on state TV on June 14, is nearly identical to an April 25 military group shot of Kim, the Chosun Ilbo newspaper said. The report cited unidentified intelligence officials who said there was a "a high possibility" the April image was recycled. Officials at the National Intelligence Service, South Korea's main spy agency; the Unification Ministry, which handles affairs with North Korea; and the president's office said they could not confirm the report. Kim's health has been the focus of keen attention since he reportedly suffered a stroke last August without publicly naming a successor. He looked gaunt in an April appearance in parliament.[Source: cbsnews.com].

I’m kind of hoping that he’s healthy, but camera shy. I don’t think there is any doubt that this guy’s got issues with insecurity. Personally, I’d prefer if this were just a matter of him thinking that he’s put on a few too many pounds, or doesn’t like that weird thing his face does in photos, as opposed to him being on his last leg. Cause I don’t like to think that he’s developing nukes when he’s got nothing to lose. There's just something about him that screams early Bond villain.

Iranian leaders still being douchey

After publicly calling out the United States, Britain, and Canada for “meddling” in their affairs and inciting the protests in Tehran (http://daughterofthehumantornado.blogspot.com/2009/06/i-miss-bloody-coups.html), Iranian officials arrested at least nine employees of the British Embassy last week. Today they released just over half of them.

TEHRAN, Iran (CNN) -- Five British Embassy local staff members arrested by Iran have been released, an Iranian Foreign Ministry spokesman said Monday. Four others will remain in custody while an investigation continues, said spokesman Hassan Qashqavi. The Foreign Office in London confirmed that "some" staff had been released, but would not say how many. British Foreign Secretary David Miliband on Sunday protested the arrests, calling them "harassment and intimidation of a kind which is quite unacceptable."Iran's intelligence minister has blamed Western powers for stirring up protests over its disputed presidential election, singling out Britain and saying the British Embassy in Tehran "played a heavy role in the recent disturbances.""The fact that Iran is stable, calm and secure, they're upset with this," Intelligence Minister Gholam-Hosein Mohseni Ejei [Ed. Note: That name must’ve been a bitch to spell out in kindergarten class.]told Iran's government-funded Press TV. The Iranian government has long accused other countries, especially Britain, of "meddling" in its affairs, but has offered no proof any outside forces have been involved in the unrest since the election.On Wednesday, Iranian authorities said they had arrested several foreign nationals, some with British passports, for allegedly helping foment the disturbances. Miliband rejected the allegation on Sunday."The idea that the British Embassy is somehow behind the demonstrations and protests that have been taking place in Tehran in recent weeks is wholly without foundation," he said [Source: cnn.com].

Well, it’s good to see that their paranoid ramblings have escalated to unlawful imprisonment. But, on the brightside, only four people are being held without merit in a region in which whipping the bottom of a prisoner’s feet with steel cables is considered acceptable treatment (more on that here: http://www.iran-e-sabz.org/news/torture.htm). They’ve been calling out America and Obama so much lately, I wonder why they didn’t arrest any American infidels…*rests chin on left fist taps fingers on box of plutonium next to desk*…weird.

This concerns me

In scary self-realization news, I momentarily thought this sounded awesome:

Russian cruise liner companies are offering pirate-hunting trips on armed private yachts off the Somali coast. Passengers pay £3,500(around $5800) a day hoping to be attacked by raiders so they can retaliate with grenades, machine guns and rockets. The ships cruise slowly close to the coast in an attempt to attract the pirates. [Source: metro.co.uk].

Hmmm. I've never killed a man, nor do I want to. As a child, I used to mental breakdowns if my mom tried to buy mousetraps. Yet, when I read this blurb in metro.co.uk, my first thought was 'that's kinda badass'. I blame Ashley for this. Just because I'm not paying attention doesn't mean your watching SpikeTV isn't affecting me. I swear to God, if I buy a ticket to a Vin Diesel movie it's your ass, sweetheart.

Pft, he'll die way before that

Well, the Madoff sentencing was today and the man who fleeced investors out of billions was given a sentence of 150 years.

Notorious Ponzi scammer Bernie Madoff has been sentenced to the maximum 150 years in prison for the $65 billion fraud that swindled his many devastated victims. Denny Chin said the sentence was a symbolic one for a crime that showed "extraordinary evil" and "took a staggering human tool (sic.)." [Ed. Note: I’m assuming the spelling error there, but I suppose the guy could’ve just been calling him a tool]. Madoff, addressing the court in a dark suit for about six minutes, said that when he started the scam, he thought he'd be able to "work my way out." He said he lives in a tormented state and expressed regret of leaving a "legacy of shame" to his family and grandchildren." Madoff said his wife Ruth will make a statement later today. He maintained that he acted alone, saying, "How do you excuse lying to brother and sons? How do you excuse lying and deceiving a wife who stood by you for 50 years and still stands by you? There is no excuse for that and I don't ask for forgiveness." He then faced his victims in court and said, "I'm sorry." When the sentence was read, the courtroom broke out in applause. [Source: abcnews.com].

The important thing is, he said he was sorry. I remembered reading a little while ago that his attorneys were trying to get him a twelve year sentence. EPIC FAIL. But hey, that's what you get for fucking with Kevin Bacon.

In other news, I wrote this post in 46 seconds. New record!

Something tells me this won't help our image

The President of Afghanistan is publicly blaming security guards working for American forces for the slaying of Matiullah Qati, police chief of the Kandahar province. A U.S. military spokesperson assured the international press that the men involved in the incident were not working on the behalf of the United States. Thanks for clearing that up guys. I’m sure that will prevent any hot-headed American-bashing.

Many details remained unclear in the first few hours after the shootout. According to two Kandahar government officials, a group of Afghan guards, who the officials said were believed to work for American Special Operations forces, arrived at the local prosecutor’s office to demand the release of a prisoner whose identity remains uncertain. The prosecutor refused to hand over the man and phoned the police chief, Matiullah Qati, for assistance. Mr. Qati rushed to the office, and a firefight subsequently broke out. In the gunfight, the Afghan security guards killed Mr. Qati and another senior provincial police official, Abdul Khaliq, the local officials said. An American military official said there were reports that the men who surrounded the prosecutor’s office to demand the prisoner were actually members of the Afghan Special Forces. He also said that more than 40 arrests had already been made in connection with the battle, but there was no official confirmation of either detail. Two witnesses said they also saw American troops at the scene, but this was not confirmed by Afghan or American officials. The head of the Kandahar Provincial Council, Ahmed Wali Karzai, said the Afghan forces involved in the firefight were not part of the Afghan police or army. It was not immediately clear why the Afghan gunmen who surrounded the prosecutor’s office wanted the prisoner released, what provoked the shooting, or who shot first. People near the scene of the shooting sprinted down a street and sought refuge inside shops. “Nothing is safe in this country!”one man screamed as he ducked into an electronics store. “Anything can happen.” [Source: nytimes.com].

Karzai once said of his image in the mid-east and abroad “if I am called a puppet because we are grateful to America, then let that be my nickname." Clearly you do not know the first thing about being a puppet. I’m no big city war expert or geopolitical analyst *arches back, pulling on suspenders*, but it seems to me like a puppet wouldn’t publicly blame the master for a brutal killing at a time when said master is trying to convey an image as harbinger of justice. We’re trying to convince these people that we’re not imperialistic demons sent from hell to conquer their society and turn them all into materialistic heathens. Looks like someone needs to tighten the strings.
Jokes aside though, this genuinely scares me. The Washington Post reports that we’ll have around 55,000 troops (as well as 32,000 non-US NATO forces) in Afghanistan by mid-summer and I sincerely doubt shit like this bodes well for their safety.

Sotomayor apparently trying to keep the white man down

The Supreme Court ruled today to reverse the 2nd U.S. Circut Court of Appeals decision in favor of New Haven Connecticut in a lawsuit brought on by white firefighters claiming racial descrimination. I know, I know. If we can't make race relations work in the multi-ethnic melting pot/microcosm of the country at large that is Connecticut, what hope is there for the rest of the nation, nay the world? Oh, you're wondering about the headline? Sotomayer was on the appeals court that ruled against the white guys. Which is possibly why fox news gives a shit:

WASHINGTON — DEVELOPING: The Supreme Court has ruled that white firefighters in New Haven, Conn., were unfairly denied promotions because of their race, reversing a decision that high court nominee Sonia Sotomayor endorsed as an appeals court judge. New Haven was wrong to scrap a promotion exam because no African-Americans and only two Hispanic firefighters were likely to be made lieutenants or captains based on the results, the court said Monday in a 5-4 decision. The city said that it had acted to avoid a lawsuit from minorities…"Fear of litigation alone cannot justify an employer's reliance on race to the detriment of individuals who passed the examinations and qualified for promotions," Justice Anthony Kennedy said in his opinion for the court. He was joined by Chief Justice John Roberts and Justices Samuel Alito, Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas. [Source: foxnews.com].

I’m a big supporter of Affirmative Action laws and I know enough inbred, racist pieces of shit to know that these laws, sadly, have yet to reach “obsolete” status. If you’re a white guy reading this, complaining aloud at your desk, need I remind you that you still get paid more for the same job than Hispanic-americans, African-americans, and women based, not on performance, but the simple fact that you possess a wang and lack higher levels of melanin? However, it is important to remember that the purpose of these laws is to level the playing field, not to give one group preference over another. So, that being said, I guess I …*vomits a little in mouth*…agree with Scalia and friends. God I feel dirty.

Honduras seems stable

Ah Central America, a bastion of governmental stability in an otherwise tumultuous world... Wait... No... I meant the opposite of that. In only-surprising-cause-I-momentarily-forgot-this-place-existed news, the Honduran congress voted to remove sitting president Manuel Zelaya due to their opposition to his desired referendum for an extension of his non-renewable four-year term. Armed forces raided the presidential residence in the pre-dawn hours Sunday, in what the small nation is begging the world not to call a coup.

Interim President Roberto Micheletti has imposed an overnight curfew in Honduras, hours after being sworn in. The Congress speaker took office after troops ousted elected leader Manuel Zelaya and flew him to Costa Rica. The removal of Mr Zelaya came amid a power struggle over his plans for constitutional change. Polls for [Zelaya’s] referendum had been due to open early on Sunday - but troops instead took him from the presidential palace and flew him out of the country... Many Hondurans say there is a total lack of information about what has happened to their country and their president. [Source bbc.co.uk].

The article cites that the Hondurans that do know that the fuck is going on have split views. As is usually the case with public figures, some think Zelaya is a hero, others think he’s a douche. The biggest argument here is over which is the biggest threat to democracy: the guy who wants to change the constitution to extend his role as leader (albeit by election) or the guys who threw a sack over his head and kidnapped him in the night. Most of the rest of the known world has criticized Micheletti and the Honduran government’s actions with many expressing concern over the impact this will have on a fragile democracy in the divided nation. Except Hugo Chavez:

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, meanwhile, blamed "the Yankee empire", and threatened military action should the Venezuelan ambassador to Honduras be attacked [Ed. Note: Attack the Venezuelan ambassador? Where the hell did that come from?] [bbc.co.uk]

Aw, he’s just pissed because he thinks we helped with that coup d’état attempt back in ’02 – which he never proved. And even if we did… dude, that was like seven years ago. That’s almost a decade. I mean, c’mon man. Holding onto that anger isn’t healthy, you know. In a related story, I for some reason now feel the urge to kick Sean Penn.

Reason number 6,532,197 that I love Paul McCartney

This will be my last MJ-related post. If you want to read celebrity news, I reccommend What would Tyler Durden Do (http://www.wwtdd.com/), but when I saw this, I could not resist. Paul McCartney has released a statement regarding the death of his one-time collaborator/later sworn nemesis Michael Jackson. According to TMZ, this is what he said:

"I feel privileged to have hung out and worked with Michael. He was a massively talented boy man with a gentle soul. His music will be remembered forever and my memories of our time together will be happy ones." [Source: tmz.com]

"a massively talented boy man" indeed. Well said Sir Paul. Well said.

Walking caricature makes ass of self in New York Times

The NYT had a “human” interest piece this morning about a small-town pastor from the southern US. Can you guess how the rest of this post goes? Won’t you pinch the bridges of your noses and sigh with me?

LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Ken Pagano, the pastor of the New Bethel Church here, is passionate about gun rights. He shoots regularly at the local firing range, and his sermon two weeks ago was on “God, Guns, Gospel and Geometry.” And on Saturday night, he is inviting his congregation of 150 and others to wear or carry their firearms into the sanctuary to “celebrate our rights as Americans!” as a promotional flier for the “open carry celebration” puts it. “God and guns were part of the foundation of this country,” [Ed. Note: so were dysentery and witch-burning] Mr. Pagano, 49, said Wednesday in the small brick Assembly of God church, where a large wooden cross hung over the altar and two American flags jutted from side walls. “I don’t see any contradiction in this. Not every Christian denomination is pacifist.”[Ed note: Because some of us believe that Jesus hates pussies][Source: nytimes.com].

And Geometry? What did he have to say about Geometry? I’m a lot more interested in that. Anywhoo, what this article ultimately boils down to is two pages of “Uneducated southern preacher is vocal gun nut”. Holy shit, stop the presses. I wonder if he also hates “the gays”. The New York Times is the most respected newspaper in the US but it seems more and more that they are overreacting to the neocon movement these days and becoming the left-wing Fox news as opposed to an intelligent and objective source for important information. I sincerely doubt that these kinds of stories will help the fledgling media outlet survive.

Someone's Tupac-ing Michael Jackson

I don't want to ignite a debate as to how much attention the death of Michael Jackson is getting in the press. I've heard all of your opinions in my email and on facebook. On the one hand, the man was the biggest and most influential pop star probably ever. MTV wouldn't exist without him and he remained popular for a staggering 40 years. On the other hand, he was reportedly a boy-hungry pedophile, and those suck. Either way, much in the way they did for Tupac Shakur, idiots are claiming he's not really dead. A website went up last night called MJisn'tdead.com. Here's one of the posts:

Upon close review of the photo of Michael Jackson being taken to the hospital, more and more people are agreeing that the person laying in the stretcher is in fact not dead, but instead alive and the death, poorly faked. As rumors spread viral across the internet a growing trend is occuring. More and more people and fans are believing that Michael Jackson is in fact alive and well, and his death has been faked. Without a doubt, the picture that is all over the net claiming to be MJ laying on a stretcher appears slightly strange upon further inspection. Look closely at what is going on in this picture. Notice the breathing apparatus that is being used on MJ’s face is not in the mouth or around it. It is in fact under his mouth, not the proper positioning for this device. The other paramedic assisting appears to be doing chest compressions however not in the right location. This should be performed slightly lower and more centered. Not to mention the reflections in the window the picture was taken through could be simply an easy way to cover up any photo doctoring of the sort. These are just some of the reasons the world is doubting the truth behind the death of the pop star known as MJ. Believe what you will, but something seems strange about the way this story has unfolded about the legendary pop star, Michael Jackson [mjisntdead.com].

Ugh. Look, I know you're disappointed about the death of that guy you always envisioned meeting one day. I know "Man in the mirror" spoke to you, "like, on a really deep level". But, I'm sorry. He's dead. People die. Does it suck? Of course. Whenever someone close to us or an influential figure dies it forces us all to consider our own mortality and that really sucks, but conspiracy theories are not a mature, intelligent way to deal with you grief and fear. Just drown out the bad thoughts with copious amounts of booze, like the rest of us, and stop making a public ass of yourself. The man is dead. RIP.

Always make sure the door is locked

We've had a lot of foreign affairs news and threats today, so why don't we lighten the mood with a little pervert news?

Police say a California man donning a bustier and watching porn on a computer in an apartment complex gym was arrested after officers found drugs in his backpack. Sgt. Todd Bullock says 45-year-old Stephen Murdoch of Tustin was arrested early Tuesday after a security guard spotted him in a workout room that was supposed to be closed and locked. When police peered inside, they saw Murdoch - also in a miniskirt, fishnet stockings and heels - hiding behind exercise equipment and watching an adult film on a laptop. Officers noticed Murdoch was sweating profusely and talking quickly. They arrested him on suspicion of drug possession after allegedly finding marijuana, methamphetamine and pipes in his bag. Murdoch did not return a call seeking comment Wednesday [cbsnews.com].

C'mon guys, he thought the door was locked, and it said he was hiding. Can't you give him a mulligan this time? It's just like the one day when I was in that Denny's parking lot with my leather gimp mask and a copy of Spankenstein. Who hasn't been there? Right? If anything, I think he should be condemned for not returning their calls for comment. What was that about?

Russia loves Journalism, Justice

If you know Russia, you know how much they love overturning “not guilty” verdicts. If you don’t, well, they do. Case in point, they did that again today

MOSCOW – Russia's Supreme Court on Thursday overturned the acquittal of three men charged with the murder of Anna Politkovskaya, a journalist whose reporting directly challenged the country's most powerful leaders. A Moscow jury acquitted the defendants — two Chechen brothers and a former policeman — in February after a trial that Politkovskaya's supporters said was undermined by prosecution errors and omissions. The acquittal was an embarrassment for the Russian government, which has appeared eager to fend off charges that journalists and Kremlin critics can be murdered with impunity… At least 16 journalists have died in contract-style slayings or under suspicious circumstances in Russia since 2000. Many more have been assaulted or threatened. Few of the crimes have been solved. [Source: news.yahoo.com].

I read Anna’s last book on the subject of Putin when I was living abroad last year. Pretty disturbing stuff. Not a great read, though. It was a veritable sea of exclamation points. I mean, emotional to the point of being whiney. Boohoo, the justice system here doesn’t work, higher-ups in the military are raping and murdering innocent Chechnyan girls, we have a mafia problem, the government is clandestine and I’m pretty sure they’re killing all my friends! Wahwahwah. God, I thought Russians were supposed to be tough. Man-up and quit being such a little bitch (May she rest in peace).

F@*k parenting, lets try reverse prostitution

In more evidence that our society is nearing an end, the University of North Carolina has started a program called College Bound Sisters which pays teenage girls $7 a week to not get pregnant.

Girls in the program attend 90-minute meetings every week at which they receive lessons in abstinence and the use of contraceptives — and they receive $7 every week they do not get pregnant. The money is deposited into a fund that's collectible when they enroll in college. But not everyone thinks paying kids to stay childless is the right way to lower the teen pregnancy rate. They say the program sends mixed messages, specifically to parents, that incentivizing good behavior is the way to go. "It makes me a bit uneasy," said Bill Albert, chief program officer at the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy. "I do have mixed feelings. It's hard to pay people to do something that we think they should be doing regardless. It would be like if you didn't want young people to experiment with marijuana, you'd pay them not to do it."[Ed. Note: If by “like” you mean “exactly the same thing"]. Despite what he called his "gut-level queasiness" about paying girls not to get pregnant, Albert acknowledged that creative ways are needed to address the "very challenging social issue" of teen pregnancy. The nation's teen birth rate, after declining for 14 consecutive years, has increased over the last two years and now stands at 7.2 pregnancies per 1,000 teenage girls, Albert said. Furthermore, he said, three out of 10 young women become pregnant by age 20, and costs associated with teen pregnancies exceed $9 billion annually. With those figures in mind, paying girls $365 a year to stay childless seems like a "modest investment" — especially if the program works, Albert said.

If it works. Oh, hey, lets check out the failure rate:

Dr. Hazel Brown, co-director of the program, said six girls of the 125 who have been enrolled for six months or longer have gotten pregnant or otherwise dropped out since it began in 1997. Funded by a grant from the state's Department of Health and Human Services, Brown said it costs about $75,000 a year to operate the program."We talk about abstinence, but it's not a requirement," Brown told FOXNews.com. "We teach decision-making, being responsible and avoiding pregnancy. The meetings are very interactive." [Source: foxnews.com].

Wow. North Carolina: Where you can’t even pay the teenage girls not to bone. So, in answer to your question: no, no we will never get tired of lowering our standards.

Are you still here?

North Korea has been busy this last week and a half. Now, I’ve only ever read “The Prince” and “The Art of War”, so I’m having difficulty thinking of a pejorative that I haven’t already used to describe Kim Jong Il’s enfeebled brand of attempted warmongering. So, insert joke here. I’ve only been doing this for two weeks and I’m damn sure not going to repeat myself yet (give me another week and a half). Anyway, North Koreans held a rally in Pyongyang today to celebrate the anniversary of the Korean war and collectively express how pissed they are at – oh, guess who…

SEOUL, South Korea — North Korea vowed Thursday to enlarge its atomic arsenal and warned of a "fire shower of nuclear retaliation" in the event of a U.S. attack [Ed. Note: You have to build weapons that can reach us first.]…In Pyongyang, and estimated 100,000 packed the main square, shouting “Let’s smash!” in unison while punching clenched fists in the air, footage from APTN in North Korea showed[Ed. Note.: I did the same thing at the last Slayer concert]. A placard showed hands crushing a missile with “U.S.” written on it… State-run newspapers in Pyongyang ran lengthy editorials accusing the U.S. of invading the country in 1950 and of looking for an opportunity to attack again. The editorials said those actions justified North Korea's development of atomic bombs to defend itself. The North "will never give up its nuclear deterrent ... and will further strengthen it" as long as Washington remains hostile, Pyongyang's main Rodong Sinmun newspaper said. In a separate commentary, the paper blasted a recent U.S. pledge to defend South Korea with its nuclear weapons, saying that amounted to "asking for the calamitous situation of having a fire shower of nuclear retaliation all over South Korea."Historical evidence shows it was North Korea that started the Korean War by invading the South, but Pyongyang claims the U.S. was to blame. The totalitarian government apparently hopes to infuse North Koreans with fear of a fresh American attack to better control the hunger-stricken population [sigh].[Source: comcast.net]

I’m not surprised he’s pissed. The last few years must’ve been really frustrating for him. Imagine being the ruler of a country and committing unspeakable human rights atrocities, and the international community doesn’t even bat an eyelash – they’re too busy with your less militaristic cousins in the mid east. While they’re attacking people for maybe thinking about trying to start a weapons program, you can openly trash the anti-proliferation treaty you signed and flaunt your nukes and the worst response you get is “China will have a talk with him”. What does a brother gotta do to get a little attention? I know he can’t actually do anything to us yet, but it does concern me a little. I don’t think we should’ve been making a man with a severe Napoleon complex who was raised in a country where many believe him to be a God to feel impotent. But, what do I know? I make penis jokes on the internet…for free.

Time says your mother didn't love you

You know how people often describe ugly people as having "a face only a mother could love"? Well it turns out that such a statement is actually fallacious, as scientists have done a study suggesting that mothers love ugly babies less. Oh Time magazine, fill our hearts with joy...

It's never been a secret that beautiful people get more breaks than everyone else, nor that the bias may start in the nursery. An oft cited — and deeply disturbing — Israeli study once showed that 70% of abused or abandoned children had at least one apparent flaw in their appearance, which otherwise had no impact on their health or educability. McLean psychiatrist Dr. Igor Elman and postdoctoral student Rinah Yamamoto devised a study to explore that phenomenon more closely.

“Your parents beat you because you’re ugly” Yes, that’ll will work very nicely when I head down, as I do every Friday, to hurl insults at the kids in the foster home down the street. But moving on to Elman's study:

Elman and Yamamoto recruited 27 volunteers — 13 men and 14 women — and sat them at computer screens where they were randomly shown pictures of 50 healthy and attractive babies and 30 others with distinct facial irregularities such as a cleft palate or a skin condition...The men in the study were less likely than women to click off photos of unattractive babies — viewing them for the full four seconds — but clicked quite a bit to hold on to the images of the pretty ones. Their reactions were the same whether they had children of their own or not. Women, conversely, left the keyboard alone when they were looking at pretty babies but hurried away from the less attractive ones — with the results again not seeming to be influenced by whether or not they were mothers themselves. Of all the things driving that response, the most primal one may be evolution. Parents devote a lot of resources to raising a child — food, time, money, love — and those assets are usually in finite supply. All animals, humans included, are hardwired to spend wisely, devoting the most energy to the offspring most likely to yield the highest genetic payoff; healthy, beautiful offspring are the best bet of all...Still, the fact that both parents and nonparents in Elman's study reacted the same way to the pictures suggests that their responses are deeply ingrained and that they may be hard to mitigate simply by having children of their own [Source: www.time.com].

To be fair, this study doesn't suggest that mothers will love ugly babies less, so much as pointing out that people don't like staring at ugly babies. This did not require a study. Ugly babies make everyone uncomfortable. It's unnatural. We expect them to be cute and then "Holy shit! How did Kuato separate himself from your gut?!". Plus there's the pressure to pretend that the child is attractive for the sake of the parents. No one wants to know they shouldn't mate. Really just thinking about pig-faced infants makes me sick.

Late start

I'm going to be a little late in getting the posts up today as I am having a little trouble with a leg wound that needs medical attention. I'm sure no one will be terribly bothered by this, as I am fairly certain that I'm the only one reading this anyway (too many expletives and rape jokes for mom's taste).

Meanwhile in extortionately disquieting news

ABC’s 20/20 will be airing a story this Friday about a little girl who doesn’t age.

Brooke Greenberg is the size of an infant, with the mental capacity of a toddler. She turned 16 in January. Brooke hasn't aged in the conventional sense. Dr. Richard Walker of the University of South Florida College of Medicine, in Tampa, says Brooke's body is not developing as a coordinated unit, but as independent parts that are out of sync. She has never been diagnosed with any known genetic syndrome or chromosomal abnormality that would help explain why. In a recent paper for the journal "Mechanisms of Ageing and Development," Walker and his co-authors, who include [pediatrician Lawrence] Pakula and All Children's Hospital (St. Petersburg, Fla.) geneticist Maxine Sutcliffe chronicled a baffling range of inconsistencies in Brooke's aging process. She still has baby teeth at 16, for instance. And her bone age is estimated to be more like 10 years old. "There've been very minimal changes in Brooke's brain," Walker said. "Various parts of her body, rather than all being at the same stage, seem to be disconnected." Brooke's mother, Melanie Greenberg, 48, sees a different picture. "She loves to shop," Greenberg said. "Just like a woman." Brooke rides in a stroller while her mom shops for clothes in the infant sections of department stores near their home in a Baltimore suburb. That Brooke is in her mid-teens is so mind-boggling that if another mother with a toddler asks Greenberg how old Brooke is, she usually doesn't try to explain. "My system always has been to turn years into months," Greenberg said. "So, if someone asked today, I might say, she's 16 months old."[Source: abcnews.go.com]

On the Brightside, the idea that this may happen to my children (or myself in the event of reincarnation) will finally replace a hungry Kirstie Alley as the specter responsible for waking me from a sound, happy sleep.

The episode airs Friday night at 10pm eastern and the full article is available at abcnews.com, for those of you who are attracted to stories that leave you feeling terrified, nauseated, and deeply depressed simultaneously.

This will go over well

France gets a lot of flack from a lot of people for being wildly ethnocentric, but, to be fair, they're no more ethnocentric than we Americans. And, unlike us, they'd never use their cultural standards to judge people of differing beliefs. I mean certainly not in any way that may be deemed by some groups as discriminatory. What's that? Check out the BBC website? Why?

[French President Nicolas Sarkozy] said the burka - a garment worn by Muslims that covers the body from head to toe - "deprived women of identity". The French National Assembly has appointed 32 lawmakers on a fact-finding mission to look at ways of restricting its use. France is home to Western Europe's largest population of Muslims. In a speech, Mr Sarkozy said it was unacceptable to have women in France who were “prisoners behind netting". He said it was not a sign of religion but a "sign of subservience" [Source: bbc.co.uk].

I can certainly see what Sarkozy is saying (though to be fair, most major religions place women in a submissive position [tee hee]). But, while the feminist in me may want to cheer him, the flag-wavin American freedom-fighter in me isn’t entirely comfortable with the idea of restricting a behavior or dress that is directly affiliated with an individual’s religious beliefs. But I’m just being overly sensitive. If history has taught us anything, it’s that nothing is accepted and appreciated all over the world quite like insulting and trying to change people’s religious beliefs. That kind of stuff is always welcomed.

What's in the boat?

Well, Sun Tzu’s developmentally-challenged neighbor is at it again. This time he’s shipping guns to Burma. A US destroyer is following the ship, called the The Kang Nam, which has been “accused of transporting illicit goods in the past,[and] is believed to be carrying banned small arms to Burma". But wait, that's not all. More from Fox News:

Washington's top military commander in South Korea, meanwhile, warned that the communist regime is bolstering its guerrilla warfare capacity. Gen. Walter Sharp, who commands the 28,500 U.S. troops positioned in South Korea, said the North could employ roadside bombs and other guerrilla tactics if fighting breaks out again on the Korean peninsula. The two Koreas technically remain at war because their three-year conflict ended in a truce, not a peace treaty, in 1953[Ed. Note: Yep, apparently you can call ‘timeseys’ in war]. North Korea is believed to have begun boosting its urban, nighttime and special operation capabilities in the wake of the U.S.-led war in Iraq, South Korea's Defense Ministry said. After the U.S. invasion of Iraq, North Korea claimed it would be the next target[Ed. Note: Really, George, cannot thank you enough. Good call]. With 1.2 million troops, North Korea's army is one of the world's largest. Some 180,000 are special operation forces…The Kang Nam is expected to dock at Burma's Thilawa port, some 20 miles (30 kilometers) south of Yangon, in the next few days, according to the Irrawaddy, an online magazine operated by independent exiled journalists from Burma, citing an unidentified port official. North Korea is believed to have sold guns, artillery and other small weapons to Burma, said Kim Jin-moo, an analyst at Seoul's state-run Korea Institute for Defense Analyses[Source: foxnews.com].

I remember a few months ago when the Kardashian sisters did a PSA about government-sanctioned rape in Burma. The one with the sex tape was like "I did my thesis on Burma" and I remember thinking, 'thesis for what? you never went to college you fuckin moron.' But I digress. Oh North Korea. What to do with you. My instincts say we should just napalm it (all the good people are starving to death anyway) but nooooo, apparently that's inconceivably evil. Whatever. Enjoy your nuclear war, pussies.

The dumbening

A blogger in Connecticut has been arrested for inciting violence against the state legislature. 47 year-old “Hal” Turner told readers of his blog to take up arms against local lawmakers “suggested government officials should ‘obey the Constitution or die.’" The best part about this? Why he was so upset. From msnbc:

Turner was angry over legislation that would have given lay members of Roman Catholic churches in Connecticut more control over their parishes' finances. The bill was withdrawn in March[Source: msnbc.msn.com].

I can’t believe this guy lost his radio show. He seems so level-headed. I know that the issue here is free speech, but I’m just so distracted by the fact that his reaction was so over the top for such a lame issue. Am I the only one who read this and thought ‘You’re against discount bus fair for war widows?’

Mengele Optometry

The Associated Press is reporting that an Indiana eye surgeon and his wife were found dead in his office this morning in an apparent suicide. The two were scheduled to turn themselves into authorities this morning after being indicted for...well...I'll let MSN tell you

Last week, a federal grand jury indicted Philip Gabriele, an ophthalmologist and eye surgeon with offices in Elkhart, South Bend and Mishawaka, and his wife on charges of health care fraud, wire fraud and criminal conspiracy. The indictment alleged Philip Gabriele falsely diagnosed cataracts and other disorders and performed unnecessary surgeries[Ed. Note: Jesus Christ, Dude]. He was accused of fraudulently removing healthy eye lenses and replacing them with artificial lenses. Some of the surgeries were poorly done and caused poorer vision, the indictment charged, and Gabriele performed unnecessary surgery on patients, including children, who had strabismus, or crossed eyes[Source: msnbc.msn.com].

If there's anything that could possibly send you to hell faster than performing unnecessary surgery on cross-eyed children, I don't want to know about it.

Iran's doin just fine

It's been ten days since the highly contested election in Iran and just as the streets of Tehran seem to be quieting, word of new demonstrations planned for today has Iran's Revolutionary Guards promising "revolutionary confrontation". From the BBC:

Iran's Revolutionary Guards have threatened to crack down on any new street protests against the results of the country's presidential election. In a statement, the guards vowed to react in a "revolutionary" way to suppress unauthorised demonstrations. The Revolutionary Guards, Iran's elite security force, have close ties to the country's supreme leader. On Friday Ayatollah Ali Khamenei banned protests, prompting street violence in which at least 10 people died... In a statement posted on their website, the Guards said their troops would break up street protests and force protesters from the streets. "Be prepared for a resolution and revolutionary confrontation with the Guards, Basij [pro-government militia] and other security forces and disciplinary forces," the Associated Press news agency quoted the Guards as saying. The plain-clothed Basij militia was involved in quelling earlier protests during more than a week of demonstrations against the re-election of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad [Source: bbc.com]

I have an uneasy feeling that their statement may not be intended as a cute play on their name and, quite frankly, I don’t even want to imagine what means of assaulting people would be considered “revolutionary” in a region of the world where neighboring countries feel it an acceptable form of punishment to cut someone’s gut open and pull their skin up over their head like some horrific, Hellraiser-style backwards atomic wedgie.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

NEW YORK (CNN) -- A four-story residential building collapsed Sunday in the Fort Greene neighborhood of Brooklyn, and at least four people suffered minor injuries, according to the New York City Fire Department. The cause of the midday collapse of the building on Myrtle Avenue between Ryerson and Hall streets was not immediately known. All residents of the building were accounted for, authorities said. Three people were given medical attention at the scene and a fourth person was taken to a Brooklyn hospital, said a fire department spokesman. It was not clear whether any of the injured lived in the building. The New York Department of Buildings said residents in six adjacent buildings were told to leave those structures as investigators worked to determine the cause of the collapse. A spokeswoman for that department confirmed that the owner of the collapsed building was cited in May after inspectors noticed several vertical cracks on an exterior wall. That case was scheduled to be heard Monday by the city's Environmental Control Board, which handles citations issued by the buildings department [source: cnn.com]

We can only hope that those injured were hipsters...and that their injuries will ulitmately be more severe than initially thought. Pray with me everyone.

Killer headache?

A new study in the UK today suggests that the withdrawal of co-proxamol from the market has “dramatically cut suicides”.

A gradual phase-out of co-proxamol led to 350 fewer suicides and accidental deaths in England and Wales, a study in the British Medical Journal reports. Regulators removed the drug's licence in 2007 after fears about the risk of overdose but the move proved unpopular with some patients and doctors. Arthritis Care says some patients now struggle to control their pain. The Medicines and Healthcare Products Regulatory Agency announced the withdrawal in 2005[Source: bbc.co.uk].

The language of this article is a little confusing, stating that the numbers of deaths resulting from overdose (accidental or intentional) have been drastically reduced since doctors stopped prescribing it. Clearly we didn’t need a study (or an IQ above double digits) to presume that fewer people would die from a drug they can no longer obtain. I would have to guess that, unless this is the world’s dumbest article, they meant that suicide rates by people taking prescribed analgesics is down. Either way, I’ve only heard bad things about this particular opioid. But don’t worry people with mild pain/fans of Goth poetry, Wikipedia assures me the drug is still available in the US, despite it’s supposed role in a quarter of the drug deaths in Florida

United States
On January 30, 2009, it was reported that the FDA was conducting a hearing to determine the safeness of dextropropoxyphene. According to reports, it was found in the bodies of 25% of people in Florida who died in drug related deaths. [17] An FDA panel voted to recommend that dextropropoxyphene be removed from the market, based on its weak pain killing abilities, addictiveness, association with drug deaths and possible heart problems, including arrhythmia.
Black Box Warning
Dextropropoxyphane carries a Black Box Warning in the U.S., the strongest warning given by the FDA. The black box warning for Dextropropoxyphene warns that:
Propoxyphene should be used with extreme caution, if at all, in patients who have a history of substance/drug/alcohol abuse, depression with suicidal tendency, or who already take medications that cause drowsiness (e.g., antidepressants, muscle relaxants, pain relievers, sedatives, tranquilizers). Fatalities have occurred in such
patients when propoxyphene was misused. [source: en.wikipedia.org]

The FDA sucks. There are states in which I would have to submit an essay about abstinence if I want the morning after pill (mine referenced Twilight), but they have no problem dolling out the elderly death pill. Don’t get me wrong, the fewer old folks on the road, the better, but this is a matter of principle. Oooh, a black box warning. Attention FDA: people are dumb. Black box drugs could literally come in a black box, with the words “Don’t take this IT WILL MURDER YOU” on the front and people will still shove it into their faces because they got it from their doctors. Although, I suppose death does technically cure that pesky restless leg syndrome.

Did she drive the bus naked?

Every time that I read an article from metro.co.uk, my heart sings a little. They always seem made up, but much to my delight, are true. So when reading the block quote from this article about a girl faced with losing her bus-driving job due to nude pictures of her on the internet, know that these quotes are accurate and honest:

A newly qualified bus driver is facing the sack after it emerged that she is a well known porn star. Audrey, 24 and the reigning 'Miss Nude Belgium 2009', passed all her driving tests following a six week intensive course in the city of Liege last month [Ed. Note: Seriously? It takes six weeks to become a bus driver? So long life-long aspiration]. But soon after she began work she was called back to the head office of bus company TEC and asked to explain a series of 'interesting pictures.' She said: 'They were photos taken from my erotic performances and from my web site. 'I was hauled before the director of human resources and he asked me to choose between my erotic career and my new career on the buses. 'He told me that I wouldn't be able to take part in my nocturnal activities while also working as a bus driver. 'He said that I had to sign a form pledging that I wouldn't do any more nude pictures.' Audrey, who asked for her surname to remain private, is married with two children aged three and four. She said: 'I enjoy my erotic work, but the contracts are not worth very much. Although this work is a passion, I need to have a job which pays the bills. 'I'd always wanted to be a bus driver as I'm very sociable. I like the contact with people and I don't see why an erotic career is incompatible with my day job.' [Source: metro.co.uk].

I feel for Audrey here. She’s an artist. She doesn’t get naked and oiled up and straddle pillows for the glory, she does it for the love of art. It’s a passion. Honestly, though, this is a little ridiculous. She’s a fucking bus driver not a clown in a pediatrics ward. To tell you the truth, I’m just happy when my bus driver isn't smoking crack while driving the bus. There. That’s where my expectations of conduct end with bus drivers.

One more thing that's gonna kill me

Some bored retired scientists who can suck my proverbial balls put down their issues of Teen Vogue long enough to voice concerns that studies citing the benefits of moderate daily drinking might be wrong. Why you gotta fuck up my day?

No study, these critics say, has ever proved a causal relationship between moderate drinking and lower risk of death — only that the two often go together. It may be that moderate drinking is just something healthy people tend to do, not something that makes people healthy[source: Nytimes.com].

First eggs, then pot, now booze. When the hell are these researchers gonna make up their minds? Next they’re gonna tell us that going bareback with underage Filipino hookers is bad for you. Go ahead, ruin everything I love.

I think I'll skip South Africa when traveling abroad

According to an article appearing today on the BBC website, South Africans love rape.

One in four men in South Africa may have raped someone - with most of those attacking more than one victim, data from a new survey suggests.The study, by the country's Medical Research Council, also found three out of four who admitted rape attacked for the first time while in their teens. It said practices such as gang rape were common because they were considered a form of male bonding. The MRC spoke to 1,738 men in KwaZulu-Natal and Eastern Cape provinces. The study found that 73% of respondents said they had carried out their first assault before the age of 20. Almost half who said they had carried out a rape admitted they had done so more than once. One in 20 men surveyed said they had raped a woman or girl in the last year.[Source: bbc.co.uk]

Male bonding, eh? What a timely piece. After all, father’s day is this Sunday. So book your tickets now everyone. Nothing says ‘I love you dad’ like an invitation to an anal gang rape.

Small town politics

A town in Arizona recently faced a very difficult conundrum: with only a few days before the first city council meeting, the maybe-heated election for the final council seat resulted in a tie. Oh I know, it’s thrilling, but try to contain your excitement. What is a community to do? Hold another election? Consult the State Supreme court? Aw, fuck it, let’s draw cards.

With the final Town Council seat in the small town of Cave Creek on the line, two candidates who tied with 660 votes apiece in a May runoff cut a deck of cards to decide the race. The winner was 25-year-old Adam Trenk, whose king of hearts beat out former Councilman Thomas McGuire's six of hearts. An obscure Arizona law dating to 1925 says that election ties should be broken 'by lot.' While a first for Cave Creek and relatively rare, such events do happen from time to time in Arizona. Last year, two local school-board candidates rolled dice to decide a winner. In 1992, a game of poker resolved a stalemate in the primary for a state Legislative seat. 'It was pure Cave Creek,' longtime Mayor Vincent Francia said of the tie, and the decision to draw cards to settle the dispute. 'Since we couldn't do a paintball showdown, we did something that is traditionally associated with the West, which is a card deck.' [source:Metro.co.uk]

I’m sorry, I have to ask you to re-read that “pure Cave Creek” quote one more time. Aaaahhh the south-western United States, one of the few places in the world where one’s own ignorance is a source of unbridled pride. In the end, this is one of those who-gives-a-shit moments that could have easily been settled privately, with dignity. But fuck that. Dignity is for pussies, and pussies can’t be on the city council. If you look at it that way, the rest of the world can go ahead and laugh at us. Cause they’re probably all pussies. [For more on the topic of obscure laws, visit http://www.dumblaws.com/].

More Great News from N. Korea

Good morning everyone! Well, news sources in Japan and South Korea announced early this morning that North Korea, or as I like to call it, Machiavelli’s orgasm, plans to fire a missile in the general direction of Hawaii.

SEOUL, South Korea (AP)--North Korea may fire a long-range ballistic missile toward Hawaii in early July, a Japanese news report said Thursday, as Russia and China urged the regime to return to international disarmament talks on its rogue nuclear program. Thie missile, believed to be a Taepodong-2 [Ed. note - teehee] with a range of up to 4,000 miles (6,500 kilometers), would be launched from North Korea's Dongchang-ni site on the northwestern coast, said the Yomiuri daily, Japan's top-selling newspaper. It cited an analysis by the Japanese Defense Ministry and intelligence gathered by U.S. reconnaissance satellites. The missile launch could come between July 4 and 8, the paper said.

Happy 4th of July everyone! Now, before you start stockpiling toilet paper and rediscovering your lost religious faith: don't worry. The article states that the missile will not be able to hit Hawaii's main islands. Is it just me, or does it feel like we're not doing enough to deal with Mr. Il? I realize that our military is grossly over-extended, but I'm not really talking about military conflict. It just feels like the global community is treating the eccentric ill-tempered hobbit the way my brother did when I would threaten to beat him up when I was eight. Don't believe me? South Korea's President Lee Myung-bak said the following:

If we acknowledge North Korea possessing nuclear programs, other non-nuclear countries in Northeast Aisia would be tempted to possess nuclear weapons and this would not be helpful for stability in Northeast Asia [Source: The Associated press].

Ummmm, okay. Look, I'm not gonna pretend like I have a solution to this problem, but somehow, I don't think Paul Anka's plan for destroying advertising monsters on The Simpsons is going to work here.

I miss bloody coups

As anyone with a tv, a computer, or the ability to read already knows, the recent election in Iran went really smoothly. Hahaha I'm just kidding, everybody's freaking the fuck out. Most people suspect that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad stole the election. Oh, I know, I was surprised that happened too. In other shocking news, you'll never guess who they're blaming for the protests.

TEHRAN, Iran (AP) -- Iran accused the United States on Wednesday of "intolerable" meddling in its internal affairs, alleging for the first time that Washington has fueled a bitter postelection dispute. Opposition supporters marched in huge numbers through Tehran's streets for a third straight day to protest the outcome of the balloting... The Revolutionary Guard, an elite military force answering to Khamenei, said through the state news service that its investigators have taken action against "deviant news sites" that encouraged public disturbances. The Guard is a separate military with enormous domestic influence and control of Iran's most important defense programs. It is one of the key sources of power for the ruling establishment. The statement alleged that dissident Web sites were backed by Canadian, U.S. and British interests. "Legal action will be very strong," it said [Associate Press]

President Obama has publicly expressed that, while he is troubled by the "alleged" election fraud, the US will not be meddling in Iran's affairs as they already don't like us very much. Is he telling the truth? How the fuck would I know? Probably. but deep down I can't help but feel like this would be a great time for the CIA to jump in and start a coup. I know that might upset a lot of you, but we're talking about a country who has publicly stated that they have a plan for the destruction of the anglo-saxon world. I'm half wop half kraut, but I live in the anglo-saxon world, so...you know...fuck Iran.

Can they prosecute them without the pig?

In yet another sign that the economy has hit a low point, two men were arrested in Syracuse NY last week for a drug deal. What's that got to do with the economy, you ask? Well, the purchaser paid for his drugs with half a pig. From the AP:

Syracuse police say a 45-year-old man offered a slaughtered pig as partial payment for a bag of crack cocaine. They say two men were spotted making the deal on a street corner just before 8 p.m. Thursday. Angelo Colon of Fulton was arrested on a misdemeanor drug possession charge and 42-year-old Omar Veliz faces a felony drug sale charge. Police say Colon paid half a pig and $10 for a $50 bag of crack. Veliz told police the pig was for a celebration for a relative being released from jail. While officers were arresting the suspects, someone took the pig.

Wow. I should think that addicts will try to barter for drugs fairly often, but how often does a dealer actually take a trade? I'm inspired. Maybe it's finally time for me to retry my bartering with the airline. The last time I went I tried to offer the counter attendant my boxcutter in exchange for a better seat. But nooooo, we have to call airport security. I said 'first class ticket', bitch, not Paul Blart's finger up my ass! And they wonder why people don't fly.

Someone's going to be fed to pigs for this

Apparently, officials at London's Heathrow Airport found a bag with £800,000 (more than $1.3mil) worth of cocaine on the luggage carousel. From bbc.co.uk:

UK Border Agency (UKBA) officers discovered the haul when they were alerted to an abandoned suitcase at Heathrow Airport on Friday. The bag, which arrived on a flight from Mexico, contained 20kg of cocaine. The case has been passed to HM Revenue and Customs investigators, who have not yet identified a passenger for the baggage. Stuart Robinson, HMRC senior investigation officer, said: "Our investigations in to this matter are ongoing."

To be fair, I didn't forget my luggage. Apparently, someone else happens to have the same plastic Snorks backpack as I do. I was confused. Frankly, I think having to explain the situation to Señor Guzman was humiliating enough, thank you.

Related question: do kneecaps grow back?

BEST. ASSEMBLY.EVER

Apparently, some kids in NYC got to view 45 seconds of a porno when their teacher was trying to show them a Jonas Brothers movie. From metro.co.uk:

Parents initially heard the DVD player had been locked in [Robert Marchi's] office before the film was shown- but it later emerged it had been in an open area where anyone could have tampered with it. Mum Rona Easton told the New York Post: "My son told his friend he saw a naked lady at school." She added: "I thought he was just being silly. It's appalling." Five classes had been taken into an auditorium to watch "Camp Rock," a Disney Channel movie starring the Jonas Brothers according to head teacher Robert Marchi. But he wrote to parents that a "very explicit pornographic video came on the screen.

This seems suspicious. First of all, we’re agreeing that it was a DVD, right? How does one play the DVD without first seeing the cumming attractions (get it, cause it was porn, you see) or the menu screen? Was it homemade porn? If so, I don’t think we need to call in Colombo (not that he’s solving any mysteries these days). And how much can one really see 45 seconds into a porno? 45 seconds in they’re still setting up weak plot points and trying to work the boom mic out of the background. Either way, I think these kids are lucky to have a teacher that “accidentally” shows them porn. My fifth grade teacher sent me to counseling when I brought in Throbin Hood (Prince of Beaves). Fuckin prude.