Monday, July 27, 2009

NY Times writer fears skynet

I often remark to disinterested Best Buy employees about my laziness being outweighed by my fear of a sentient Roomba sucking the air out of my lungs as I sleep at night. But I had always imagined that my fear of robot uprising (as documented here http://daughterofthehumantornado.blogspot.com/2009/07/sweet-fucking-god-why.html) was baseless science-fiction driven paranoia. Well, today the New York Times has an article asserting that actual scientists fear murderous self-aware technology. My therapist is gonna be pissed.

Impressed and alarmed by advances in artificial intelligence, a group of computer scientists is debating whether there should be limits on research that might lead to loss of human control over computer-based systems that carry a growing share of society’s workload, from waging war to chatting with customers on the phone. Their concern is that further advances could create profound social disruptions and even have dangerous consequences. As examples, the scientists pointed to a number of technologies as diverse as experimental medical systems that interact with patients to simulate empathy, and computer worms and viruses that defy extermination and could thus be said to have reached a “cockroach” stage of machine intelligence. While the computer scientists agreed that we are a long way from Hal, the computer that took over the spaceship in “2001: A Space Odyssey,” they said there was legitimate concern that technological progress would transform the work force by destroying a widening range of jobs, as well as force humans to learn to live with machines that increasingly copy human behaviors. [Source: nytimes.com]
Eh, I’m not terribly worried. After all, we have E.M.P.s. Unless the E.M.P.s become sentient, or the machines can find a way to change launch codes. I have to imagine that we’d have enough warning, though. To really be a threat, all the world’s machines would have to organize a là Maximum Overdrive and as of yet, magical alien comet technology is not that advanced.

Link to the whole article here: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/26/science/26robot.html?_r=1&WT.mc_id=fb_nyt413&WT.mc_ev=click

Armstrong pulls a Favre

Lance Armstrong retired from racing in 2005 after winning an amazing, record-breaking seven Tour de France titles. This was made even more remarkable given that he had overcome testicular cancer before winning the race. His legacy was sealed. He was free to spend the rest of his days making movie cameos and relaxing on exotic beaches knowing that he went out as champion. Or that’s what would have happened if he hadn’t gotten bored and gone all Favrey on us.
(CBS) For the past 3 weeks, Lance Armstrong looked as if he might pedal his way to a new record of eight Tour de France wins in a decisive comeback after his battle with testicular cancer. But as the leaders sprinted up the Champs Elysees in Paris on Sunday, it was Armstrong's teammate Alberto Contador who took first place, reports CBS News correspondent Elizabeth Palmer. Armstrong finished in third place, crossing the finish line more than five minutes after Contador. The American cyclist, now 37 years old, says he's still proud of the result. "Hey, I can't complain. For an old fart coming in here and getting on the podium with these young guys - not so bad," Armstrong said. [Souce: cbsnews.com].
Why go out at the top of your game when you can come back years into retirement and ruin your stellar record by losing? Am I right? No? Personally, I blame Stallone. If not for Rocky Balboa, maybe ageing sports stars would be content putting their glory days behind them and enjoying the status of retired legend. FYI, Armstrong is going to compete again next year.

Embarrassing or sexy?

We didn’t have any metro on Friday, so I felt it appropriate to make it the first post today. What have you got for me, world’s weirdest news site?
They've already tried making frogs get married - now drought-hit Indian farmers are turning to naked women for help. Farmers in the eastern Indian state of Bihar have asked their unmarried daughters to plough parched fields naked, in a bid to embarrass the weather gods to bring some badly needed monsoon rain. Witnesses said the naked girls in Bihar state ploughed the fields and chanted ancient hymns after sunset to invoke the gods. The witnesses also said that elderly village women helped the girls drag the ploughs [Ed. Note: The elderly chicks were clothed though, right? *shudder* Cause it seems like naked old chicks would anger most gods]. 'They believe their acts would get the weather gods badly embarrassed, who in turn would ensure bumper crops by sending rains,' Upendra Kumar, a village council official, said from Bihar's remote Banke Bazaar town. 'This is the most trusted social custom in the area and the villagers have vowed to continue this practice until it rains very heavily.' India this year suffered its worst start to the vital monsoon rains in eight decades, causing drought in some states. Earlier this week, farmers in West Bengal state held a marriage ceremony for frogs, in another attempt to make the rains come. [Source: metro.co.uk]
I wanted to say “well I get the frog-marriage, but why naked chicks?”, but honestly, I’m not sure I entirely get the frog-marriage. For the record, if any of you read the above and thought ‘dude, I wish I lived in India right now’, I feel I must remind you that – despite a lack of naked farmhands – you’re pretty lucky to live in a place where ‘lack of rain’ does not equate to ‘slow death by starvation’. Also, I hate you. In related news, other religions are so weird. Now if you’ll excuse me, I shamelessly admired my neighbor’s umbrella this morning. I’m gonna grab my beaded necklace and chant for the next forty minutes to repent.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Cop's version of events still makes him look like douche

Msnbc has offered the rebuttal to Dr. Gates' account of events on the night the respected Harvard professor (and physically enfeebled short guy) was arrested for disorderly conduct after calling police officers racist when they harassed him in his own home. Lets see what the arresting officer has to say.
Responding to the call, Crowley said he encountered Gates at his front door. “I asked him if he would step outside and speak with me, and he said, ‘No, I will not,’ and again words to the effect of ‘What's this about?’ ” Crowley said. “And I said, ‘I’m Sergeant Crowley from the Cambridge Police Department. I’m investigating a break-in in progress.’ And he responded, ‘Why? Because I’m a black man in America?’ in a very agitated tone, and again I thought that was a little strange.” Gates is 5-foot-7 and navigates with the aid of a cane, and Crowley said he did not fit the profile of a burglar. “His appearance did lead me to believe maybe this wasn't your typical breaking-and-entering type person experience, however, that response from him was a little strange; uncommon in my experience,” Crowley said. [Source: msnbs.msn.com]

I'll be honest, as a "whitey", I was really hoping this wasn't going to end up being such an overt case of racism. I was really hoping that the officer might have some magical explanation as to why he harrassed and arrested an old black man in his New England home. But, sadly, no dice. Not one Goddamned thing the officer says there justifies arresting Gates. It's like if someone were to come to my house, bang on the door and tell me they were investigating mafia activity in the neighborhood. 'Why are you at my house?' I would ask 'Because I'm italian? What do you think all Italian people are in the mafia. Fuck you sir.' Except I would have slammed the door in his face. Even worse is that this has now become President Obama's headache as the Cambridge police department and assorted jackasses from around the country *cough* fox news *cough* are making a big deal out of the fact that, at his press conference on Wednesday (which was supposed to be about healthcare reform by the way) the president said that the police acted "stupidly". The minute the word left his lips, people around the country with more hysteria than brains collectively crapped their pants. They misquoted him and suggested that his comments were going to make it difficult for police to interract with minorities. Like we're all living in a real-life Do The Right Thing (I guess Obama is Radio Raheem, the cop is Salvatore, and I'm the asian guy that doesn't like mexicans in my convenience store...or something...I haven't seen the movie in a while).

Oh people, people, people. "Stupidly" does not mean "stupid" and, to be fair, burglars rarely answer the door mid-crime. Nor do they typically decorate crime scenes with photos of themselves. I always support the police, but COME ON, how can you argue that this is not fucking ridiculous?

I bet Rowdy Roddy Piper is hoping this won't set precedent

China stunned the world today by acting completely contrary to their level-headed, liberal-minded character. Haha, just kidding, China sucks. So what did they do? Why they sentenced a man to death for drunk driving. Sucks to be you, dude.
The 30-year-old man was found guilty of endangering public safety and sentenced to death yesterday. He was reportedly drunk and speeding in the capital of Sichuan province [Ed. Note: I like their beef] last year when he struck four other cars. Four people were killed and another person was seriously injured. He was also driving without a license. [Source: foxnews.com].

To be fair, the guy killed a bunch of people so it's not too ridiculous that he was sentenced to death. It's not like they kill all drunk drivers over there. Probably. I mean, I don't know for sure. What do I look like the Cambridge University Press? Can you imagine if we put drunk drivers to death here in the States? People like Linday Lohan, Nicole Ritchie, Paris Hilton - they'd all be dead right now (or awaiting death in a maximum security prison). Huh. Maybe China's on to something.

Democracy expected to be pwned next week

You know, for a country that is supposed to be heavily influenced by Buddhism, the Union of Myanmar, or Burma to most, sure is populated by a lot of violent dicks. Most of whom run the country. They've recently put a popular pro-democracy activist on trial for the weirdest bogus charges ever and, as you can imagine the trial is going really well. In fact many hope this will serve as an archetype for justice systems around the world.
Lawyers for Burmese pro-democracy leader Aung San Suu Kyi have presented closing arguments, as her trial in a Rangoon prison neared its end. Ms Suu Kyi is accused of violating the terms of her house arrest in May, after a US man swam to her lakeside home. [Ed. Note: Yep, that's a condition of House Arrest. It's towards the back of the charter.] If convicted she faces up to five years in jail. The trial has been widely condemned as a ploy to keep her in custody until after elections in 2010. The prosecution will make its closing arguments on 27 July, officials say. Ms Suu Kyi, 64, has spent nearly 14 of the last 20 years in detention, much of it at her Rangoon home. Polls are planned by the military government for some time next year. Ms Suu Kyi's National League for Democracy won the last elections in 1988 but was never allowed to take power....Her lawyers have argued that the law she has been charged under is part of a constitution abolished 25 years ago...It is not clear when a verdict is expected. Only two witnesses have been allowed to testify for the defence. Twenty-three prosecution witnesses were approved, of whom 14 have testified[Ed. Note: Tough but fair]. [Source: bbc.co.uk]

The article goes on to say that foreign diplomats and defense witnesses were allowed in court in order to stem the tide of international complaints of injustice, but that she will still be found guilty. Also, the military government fears the impact the trial of the popular pro-democracy icon will have on their upcoming "election", but they're just going to steal it anyway so why do they give a shit? Why the show? Someone's been taking foreign PR lessons from Russia.

Poor people to be made slightly less poor

I will not be using block quote here because I'd like you to read the entire article. It comes to us from cnn.com and I thought is was fairly well balanced, though brief and over-simplified (kinda like the way you make love). It will be followed by my unaccredited opinion.

http://money.cnn.com/2009/07/24/news/economy/minimum_wage/index.htm

I am in support of raising the minimum wage. As cost of living goes up, so should paychecks. It’s pretty fucking simple. And $7/ hr is not a lot of money. Most people who earn minimum wage aren’t even given 40 hours in the work week (lack of education or specialized skills leave them vulnerable to employers who would rather hire more non-skilled workers than pay benefits to those they have). I am working as a temp while I slack off for a year before medschool and I earn $10/ hr. I live in Pittsburgh, which has been gaining national recognition recently for being one of the most livable cities in the country. And you know what? I can’t pay rent. I stay with my mom because, between student loan bills, car payments, gas and food expenses, my paycheck is gone as soon as it comes. Concerns over layoffs are moronic. These are again (and not to be insulting to those people working these jobs) unskilled labor positions. Nearly every fast food restaurant and Walmart within a ten-mile radius of my home has a “Help Wanted” sign hanging in the window (The economic downturn has led to a boom for discount wholesalers and fast food joints). And even if people will have to lose their jobs in order for employers to make ends meet, they’re not likely to liquidate the desperate workforce. By that I mean that a large number of minimum wage jobs are populated by teenagers working after-school or summer jobs in order to supplement their allowances or save up for a car. It is more likely that an employer would let them go, rather than those at whom these laws are targeted.

Naturally, as I can only presume it did last time we raised the min. wage, the CNN message boards lit up with idiots claiming “Welfare for everyone” (that…well, that simply doesn’t make sense) and “people who do these sorts of jobs deserve more money, but they are generally the person who put themselves in that position in the first place” (Interesting. I wonder where you grew up, what kind of education you were afforded, who paid for said education and also, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!). My personal favorite was “I’m gonna have to fire someone tomorrow when this goes into effect” (Here’s a tip, dude, if your profit margins are so thin that you can’t boost your workers’ paychecks by a dollar an hour, you are in no way qualified to sit at the table during a discussion of economics). This was evenly matched by hippies saying that keeping the minimum wage as it is would be tantamount to reenacting child labor laws and that neocons want to dispand OSHA. UGH. Thankfully, the messages were broken up by the following:

I'm from Canada, where the minimum wage has been going up 75 cents a year for about five years and even the lowest of the low make about $9 an hour now. We have seen employment and consumption spending rise simultaneously. I think if the U.S. can do something crazy such as elect an African-American, it can also have the audacity to enact legislation to give its poorest workers a few extra dollars.
- Tyler J. Turek

Congratulations Americans you just got intellectually pwned by a Canadian. Are you proud of yourselves? Cause I’m not.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

British couple killed by irony, lack of food

A British couple known for their extravagent (stolen) yacht setting lifestyle who were found dead and badly decomposed in their stolen yacht adrift off the coast twelve miles from Dakar, Senegal in September are now believed to have died of starvation. What? What's wrong with "yacht-setting"? I would have said "jet setting" but they weren't stealing jets, they were stealing yachts. It wasn't supposed to be funny. You know what? Fuck you guys. I've been sitting here for six hours. Just read the damn block quote and leave me to my minesweeper.
A couple who stole a yacht and set sail around the world to escape police were found after they apparently starved to death drifitng off the coast of Africa, an inquest heard yesterday. The story of their slow, agonising death was detailed in a vivid diary found on board written by the couple as they came to terms with a certain death. Peter Clarke, 49, and Sharon Arthurs-Chegini, 46, had enjoyed a 'champagne and cocaine' lifestyle beyond their means and stole the yacht they died on after skipping bail for a previous boat theft. It is thought their vessel suffered damage in a storm and that Mr Clarke became bedridden as they tried to survive by drinking sea water and urine...The mother-of-three also wrote: 'We have been bashed about for days. Peter is collapsed in bed. I have been unable to get to him. 'Everything takes huge amounts of energy, having consumed no water yesterday. 'My heart and love goes out to my daughters and to my immediate family.' [Source: dailymail.co.uk]

Just another one of those 'couple steals boat to live extravagant caviar and champagne lifestyle only to end up drinking their own pee and starving to death' stories you hear so much about. Almost a tragic cliché, really.

Ed. Note: This story refers to, of course, the incongruity/literary kind of irony, not the literal-opposite kind (I'm sick of your emails).

Misleading foxnews headline claims babies understand dogs

I don't really know what I expected when I opened the article entitled "Babies Can Understand Dogs, study finds" on Foxnews.com, but it sure as hell wasn't what I got.
The results suggest both 6-month-olds and babies up to 2 years old could distinguish a rowdy bark from a benign one. But the older babies just showed their correct responses differently than the 6-month-olds. Past research in the field of baby smarts has relied on the proportion of time a baby looks in a certain direction or the proportion of time he or she exhibits some other signal of response to show a baby's skills in distinguishing facial expressions or intonations in speech patterns.These studies have suggested that while 6-month-olds are experts in verbal and facial perception even when it comes to monkeys, as they get older they lose this ability.The idea is that babies are born with a full toolbox of broad abilities. Over time, as they experience the world, the toddlers refine their abilities and focus on what's really relevant, say, human faces rather than monkey or dog mugs. But according to the new results, perhaps the little ones don't lose the ability, Flom said. They just show it differently. So instead of calculating the time spent looking in a certain direction, researchers could take into account a baby's first glance, he added. [Source: Foxnews.com]
So there you have it, babies can tell audibly when a dog is pissed. Fascinating. Just out of curiosity, how much did this study cost? What am I saying. Who cares for valuble info like this. I mean, we've already taken care of those pesky AIDS and Cancer things, so why not use the best minds in the country and thousands in grant money showing babies pictures of dogs? What's that? We haven't? I see...
Sorry, I'm having a bit of a grumpy day.

Awww snap!

Speaking in Thailand at an Asian regional forum, Hillary Clinton asserted that North Korea had little recourse than to halt its nuclear program as its former supporters are turning their backs on the angry little nation. Days after long-time NK ally Burma (who just allegedly received illegal arms from NK) agreed to implement the new UN resolution calling for sanctions. Secretary of State Clinton had the following to say:
"The United States and its allies and partners cannot accept a North Korea that tries to maintain nuclear weapons, to launch ballistic missiles or to proliferate nuclear materials," Mrs Clinton said in Phuket. "And we are committed to the verifiable denuclearisation of the Korean peninsula in a peaceful manner.""There is no place to go for North Korea; they have no friends left that will protect them from the international community's efforts to move towards denuclearisation."

But North Korea aint gonna take no shit from no lady, ya heard…
Separately, a spokesman in Pyongyang described Mrs Clinton as a "funny lady" -responding to her comments that North Korea's behaviour was that of an unruly child. "Her words suggest that she is by no means intelligent," the spokesman said, quoted by state news agency KCNA. "Sometimes she looks like a primary schoolgirl and sometimes a pensioner going shopping. Anyone making misstatements has to pay for them." [Source: bbc.co.uk]
Snizap! Lets check with the international judges and...YES, that was indeed a burn!

Hey yeah, that's a totally reasonable reaction

In sweet-fucking-God-the-perpetrators-are-inhuman news, a woman in London has been placed in protective custody after family members and friends attacked her adulterous lover with...wait for it...acid. Jesus. From The Daily Mail...
A married Muslim woman has been warned by police that she could be murdered after her lover was attacked with sulphuric acid.The 24-year-old Muslim man had the acid poured down his throat and was stabbed and beaten with bricks by four men.He is not expected to live after suffering 90 per cent burns in the London attack, which blinded him and left his tongue destroyed. The Danish victim, who is of Asian origin, is said to have ‘insulted’ her strictly religious relatives, which includes women who wear the hijab. Detectives believe the family feared being shamed in the community. Police are said to be discussing how best to protect the woman...Community leader Imtiaz Qadir, of the Active Change Foundation, said: ‘Honour crime happens a lot in our community, especially the Pakistani community, but we do try to educate the people. ‘It's a cultural thing from back home. But this type of horrible crime is not exclusive just to Muslims, there have been cases in other religions'...The perceived ‘dishonour’ is normally down to ‘unacceptable’ dress codes [Ed. Note: Those shoes don't go with that purse! Burn her!] or engaging in certain sexual acts or adulterous behaviour. The killings result from the perception that the defence of honour justifies the death of a person whose behaviour dishonours their clan or family. A Home Office and police study found thousands more honour crimes including an estimated 400 forced marriages each year. According to the United Nations Population Fund, the annual worldwide total of honour killing victims may be as high as 5,000. [Source: dailymail.co.uk]

Jesus Christ, man. Can't you just stab him or hit him with your car or something? On a related note, where does one get sulfuric acid? Can you just Amazon.com that shit or something?
If you want to read the eyewitness accounts that I did not include here because they were brutal and this block quote is already nine pages long, I've included the link to the specific story below. If you're into that sort of thing. Sicko...
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1201625/Cheating-wife-face-honour-killing-acid-poured-lovers-throat.html

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

"Republic of China" also loves justice

A twenty-five year old Chinese man working at an Apple factory in Taiwan killed himself yesterday admid an investigation as to whether or not he stole one of the prototypes for the new iPhone. I know what you're thinking, but no, this was not one of those weird Asian honor suicide thingys. Why would you even say something like that? Jesus Christ you're a racist.
Sun Danyong was 25. He threw himself off a 12-storey building last week. He worked for Foxconn in the southern city of Shenzhen and was responsible for shipping 16 iPhone prototypes to Apple. One went missing. Sun reported the loss, and the company launched an investigation. Three days later the worker jumped to his death. Sun's former classmates have told Chinese newspapers that during that investigation he was beaten, his house was searched and he was locked up in a room alone. They say he described the experience in an online chat with them as one of the most humiliating experiences of his life. [Ed. Note: Frownie face emotocons EVERYWHERE]. Foxconn says it has suspended its chief of security. [Source: bbc.co.uk]
Say what you will about this company's security force but you can't deny they get results. Whether or not those are desired or in any way just is not the point.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Lebanon fighting the good fight?

Some people find this suspicious, due to the fact that the US and many of its allies list Hezbollah (or at least parts of Hezbollah), a powerful force in Lebanese politics and society, as a terrorist organization, but the Lebanese government announced today that they have arrested ten men believed to be part of a plot to attack UN forces in the country. So kudos to you, Lebanon!
The Lebanese army says it has broken up a cell of militant Islamists who had allegedly planned to attack soldiers and UN peacekeepers in south Lebanon. An army official said the men were part of "a terrorist network linked to al-Qaeda", and were a cell the army had long been trying to capture. The men have been accused of smuggling fighters into Lebanon, and plotting attacks outside and inside the country. Most of the suspects were not Lebanese but came from Arab states. An army statement said the suspects had been planning to smuggle terrorists out of Ain al-Helweh, the largest of Lebanon's 12 Palestinian refugee camps.The army said the network had also been plotting to bring militants from the extremist jihadi Fatah al-Islam group into the camp, near the southern coastal town of Sidon. The aim, said the army statement, was "to carry out attacks from Lebanon on targets abroad and create terrorist cells to monitor Unifil and the army in order to carry out terrorist attacks on them". [Source: bbc.co.uk]
Two of my closer friends from Italy are native Lebanese and wonderful men. They returned to Lebanon shortly after I returned to the US. I remember one day I went to leave one of them a message on Facebook and his sister had posted a picture of a guy stomping on an Israeli flag while another Israeli flag burned in the background. This is understandable due to the fact that Israel invaded Lebanon in the late seventies, also the Israeli occupation during the Lebanese civil war, and the fact that they only officially got rid of the Israelis last year. Still, I couldn’t help but wonder if viewing that picture alone was enough to put me on a government watch list. They’re watching us, you know. That’s what the hippies keep telling me. Why no, I don’t remember what my point was. What do I look like, a professional or something?

Your daily metro

God I love metro.co.uk. I sincerely wish I worked there. Anyway, today they’ve given me the gift of one of the world’s greatest police-competency stories since that video of the DEA guy shooting himself hit the web. I can feel the schadenfreude bubbling up…
In a triumph of covert police work, undercover officers in North Carolina arrested another undercover officer from a different force after buying drugs off him. The entirely drug dealer-free drug deal occurred when undercover officers from the Statesville Police Department met a man interested in selling them some marijuana. The man was an undercover deputy from Iredell County Sheriff's Office. Statesville is the county seat of Iredell county. [Source: metro.co.uk]
What is there left to say? Southern cops are hilarious when they’re not hate-crimin’.

Holy fucking shit! The Airforce blows

I complain A LOT about medical malpractice lawsuits in the United States. It’s the main reason that I hate most attorneys. People don’t seem to understand that doctors are human beings NOT GODS. They are specially trained and will do their best, but are not infallible. While it is difficult when someone you love is hurt or killed by a medical mistake, bankrupting a physician who has saved countless other lives is absurd. That being said, I am a supporter of suing doctors when the “mistake” is a clear-cut case of negligence – like being drunk on the job, or whatever the hell is wrong with you that a simple laparoscopic gallbladder removal results in THE LOSS OF SOMEONE’S FUCKING LEGS!!!!!
A Texas Airman stationed at an Air Force Base near Sacramento, Calif. has lost both legs after surgeons reportedly botched a routine surgery to remove his gallbladder. Colton Read, 20, underwent laproscopic surgery last week at David Grant Medical Center at Travis Air Force Base near Sacramento. Laproscopic surgery is a minimally invasive procedure that involves making a tiny incision to minimize pain and speed recovery time. About an hour into the surgery, something went wrong. Read's wife Jessica told CBS11TV.com. "A nurse runs out, 'we need blood now' and she rounds the corner and my gut feelings is 'oh my God, is that my husband?'" Jessica Read said. Read's wife said an Air Force general surgeon mistakenly cut her husband's aortic valve, which supplies blood to the heart, but waited hours to transport Colton Read to a state hospital with a vascular surgeon. Read, who is still in intensive care, lost both legs as a result of the blood loss. Meanwhile, his gallbladder still has not been removed. Jessica Read said the doctor admitted his mistake, but under federal law the Reads cannot sue. The future of Colton Read's career is now uncertain, FOX 40 in Sacramento reported. Jessica Read told FOX 40 she is appalled that the Air Force is even considering medical retirement or medical discharge while Airman Read is incapable of making any type of decision. She said he is not 100 percent lucid and is still heavily medicated. The Air Force is conducting a review of the case using outside experts. [Source: Foxnews.com]

Jesus Christ, man! Did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too? How do you snip an aortic valve and take the position of “Eh, let’s not rush him to a better-equipped hospital, let’s play it by ear, see what happens if we wait.” While there are situations in which doing too much can hurt the patient, that doesn’t apply for people who are hemorrhaging at an alarming rate. If you didn’t catch it up there, let me draw your attention to the fact that, in one of the few cases in which I actually would condone, nay support, a malpractice lawsuit, the injured party cannot legally sue. That’s right folks, you cannot sue the federal government, thus, you cannot sue any branch of the military, including their half-retarded doctors. So, in addition to losing his legs, he also loses out on any chance of justice. Also, he’s getting fired. “God Bless America. My home, sweet home.”
P.S. I love Foxnews for the line “Meanwhile, his gallbladder still has not been removed.” Way to add insult to injury, doctor.

Gasoline + Taser = Human Torch

I'm feeling especially lazy this week, as I'm being forced to work 11-12 hours each day. Thus, I clicked on the first article I saw on cnn.com this morning. I'll tell you what, it's a good thing none of you are reading this. Anyway, a guy in Australia is being treated for severe burns after he was tased by police and burst into flames.
CNN) -- A man, who doused himself with gasoline and charged at an officer, burst into flames when he was hit with a Taser, police in Australia said Tuesday. "He was carrying a lighter and pouring himself with petrol," said Inspector Bill Munnee with the West Australian Police. "We don't know if the lighter set it off or something from the Taser."Authorities have launched an inquiry into what happened Monday when an officer arrived at the 36-year-old man's house in the remote desert community of Warburton. Police had received a report that the man and some others were sniffing glue, Munnee said. At the sight of the arriving officers, the man ran out of the house with a container of gasoline and a cigarette lighter, police said. When he ignored the officer's command to stop, the officer fired his Taser stun gun -- and the man "caught alight," Munnee said. [Source: cnn.com]

I swear to God this happened in an episode of CSI. Sounds like a copycat to me. They should ban that show down under...and also here...in fact, better ban ALL procedural cop dramas. You know, just to be safe. At any rate, this guy got what he deserved. Sniffing glue? Really? Unless you're fourteen and this is the year 1978, you shouldn't be sniffing glue. That went the way of whip-its and ludes. Man-up and get some meth, pussy.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Remember Bosnia?

The Bosnian civil war took place when I was ten or so when my interests included Barbies, Mortal Kombat (the game, I didn’t actually fight to the misspelled death), and The Simpsons. Couple that with the fact that I am a middle-class American and, naturally, I know nothing about it. After reading this article, however, I am lead to believe it was a civil and humane affair…
Two Bosnian Serb military commanders have been found guilty of war crimes, including burning women and children alive, during the Bosnian civil war. Cousins Milan and Sredoje Lukic were members of a paramilitary group called the White Eagles, or the Avengers. [Ed. Note: Well, which was it?]. They were accused of murder, persecution, extermination and other inhumane acts against Bosnian Muslims near Visegrad between 1992 and 1994. Judges at The Hague jailed Milan Lukic for life, and Sredoje to 30 years. Judge Patrick Robinson, reading his verdict, said: "The perpetration by Milan Lukic and Stredoje Lukic of crimes in this case is characterised [sic.] by a callous and vicious disregard for human life." The burning alive of Muslims, he said, was extraordinarily brutal, and "exemplified the worst acts of humanity that one person may inflict on others". The court ruled that Milan Lukic, the leader of the White Eagles paramilitary force, was the ringleader of the attacks. He herded about 130 women, children and elderly men in to two houses - both in or near the eastern Bosnian town of Visegrad - before setting fire to them. All those who tried to escape were shot. He was also found guilty of murdering 12 Muslim civilian men, and beating Muslims at a detention camp. [Source: bbc.co.uk]

Life in prison? For burning people alive? I hope the Tribunal at least sends them to Bosnian prison. Oh or maybe Turkish. Midnight Express led me to believe that Turkish prison is no party. Still, anywhere that doesn’t include daily rape and extreme torture seems like a miscarriage of justice. *puts on oversized crucifix, grabs M4 Carbine*

Heartwarmingly depressing

In news that will make you want to slit your wrists in a Hallmark Movie sort of way, an eleven-year-old boy from Ohio is selling his toys to help alleviate his family’s debt. Happy Monday, everyone!
Zach McGuire is selling his toys to raise money for his family, which like others across the country, has bills piling up and a home in jeopardy. The youth said the idea came up during a conversation with his father. "You can't live in toys, or eat toys," he told CNN television affiliate WNWO. "Even though they are fun, you don't need them." Zach plans to use the proceeds for a good cause: helping his unemployed father. Tom McGuire, a licensed contractor in Toledo, Ohio, has not had a job since December. The economy is partly to blame, he said, adding that he did a job last summer and never got paid. As the general contractor on the job, he said, he was financially liable for materials and the work of two subcontractors. "I'm out $30,000," McGuire said. The father said he is looking for work and is not relying on money from his son's toy sales. But he appreciates his effort. "Zach has a big, giving heart," McGuire said. "He came to me with this idea. He wants to contribute." [Source: cnn.com].
Thirty grand, huh? I hope those Transformers are made of gold. If not, this is an exercise in very, very sad futility. Makes a great human-interest news piece though, I mean if you’re looking for that final push to get you off the ledge. I’m looking in your direction, Mr. McGuire.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Rural Pakistanis are doing great

In what I hope isn’t an ominous warning about where our struggling economy may someday base-out, cnn.com published a report today on Pakistani citizens selling their own organs for money. Apparently Pakistan is ground-zero for organ trafficking. Kind of like how Istanbul and Bangkok are ground-zero for buying young girls and teenage lady-men, respectively. Isn’t the world a sunny place?
SARGODA, Pakistan (CNN) -- Mohammed Iqbal said he has been told by his landlord to pay up on debts and is left with a choice facing others in this impoverished corner of Pakistan: Sell your children or a kidney. [Ed. Note: I don’t know, dude, you can always have more children, but a kidney…] For the 50-year-old Iqbal, there is only one option. Despite a law passed in late 2007 banning transplants for money, he has decided to sell his kidney and has already been for pre-operation tests. The sale will net him between $1,100 and $1,600. [Ed Note: $1600?!?! Interesting…*begins thoughtfully eyeing plastic butterknife*]. "What's incredible here is the law that bans the operation he's going to go through came into place in 2007," said CNN's Nic Robertson. "He's still able to go to a doctor, the doctors given him advice, that's what he has to do under law... He's going to make money out of it 100,000-150,000 rupees, and that is absolutely illegal. Yet, in just a few days, he's expecting to sell his kidney." Iqbal was not alone in facing this difficult decision. Others in Pakistan's rural heartland have opted to sell their kidneys. One of them was Rab Nawas, who was deep in debt about a year ago to his landlord after borrowing money to pay for his wedding and to cover medical bills for his wife and six children. He, too, faced the choice: sell his children, his wife or a kidney.[Source: cnn.com]

Wow. I cannot believe that. People buy used wives? In all seriousness, though, this is one of the most depressing and fucked up stories I’ve ever read. What the hell is going on over there that lead people to such desperate acts? Oh, right. Nevermind.

Blob of death moving through Alaska

Though I'm pretty sure there's a Palin joke in that headline, I'm going to instead focus on the story at hand. There are unexplained organic blobs meandering through the waters north of the Bering Straight.
It's big, it's black, it's gooey and it may be alive. Giant blobs of thick, oily biological material are floating in the Arctic Ocean's Chukchi Sea north of the Bering Strait, reports the Anchorage Daily News. "It's certainly biological," Coast Guard Petty Officer 1st Class Terry Hasenauer told the newspaper. "It's definitely not an oil product of any kind. It has no characteristics of an oil, or a hazardous substance, for that matter." No one in the North Slope towns of Barrow and Wainwright can recall ever seeing anything like it. Jellyfish and sea birds are getting caught up in the sticky, stinky stuff, which according to one official "has hairy strands on it." "It's definitely, by the smell and the makeup of it, it's some sort of naturally occurring organic or otherwise marine organism," added Hasenauer. [Source: foxnews.com]

If this is how the apocalypse is going to start, I have to condemn God for totally ripping off “The raft” in Creepshow 2.

Not Surprisingly, Chechnya also loves journalism, justice

About a month ago, I did a post about the Russian court's decision to overturn the not-guilty verdict in the Anna Politkovskaya murder trial. Politkovskaya was a Russian journalist who took up the unenviable position of whistle-blower against the Russian authorities, calling international attention to leaders' massive corruption and human rights violations. She, much like anyone else who took up a pen or a microphone against the government, was subsequently killed. After her death, the main human rights activist of note in Russia and Chechnya was Natalia Estemirova, a close friend of Politkovskaya. Oh hey, you'll never guess what just happened...
Natalia Estemirova was abducted and bundled into a van as she left her home in the Chechen capital, Grozny, on Wednesday. Her body was found in neighbouring Ingushetia, with gunshot wounds...The Russian-backed Chechen president, Ramzan Kadyrov, has vowed to hunt down the killers... Ms Estemirova, a fierce Kadyrov critic, was investigating alleged abuses by government-backed militias in Chechnya when she was abducted and shot. Colleagues of Ms Estemirova have blamed Mr Kadyrov's government for her death. But the Chechen leader vowed to bring her killers to justice, describing Ms Estemirova as a "helpless woman". Mr Kadyrov is a controversial figure who has brought relative calm to Chechnya after years of conflict, but human rights groups accuse his militias of widespread abuses. Ms Estemirova's organisation, Memorial, had been investigating hundreds of cases of alleged kidnapping, torture and extra-judicial killings by Russian government troops or militias in Chechnya. [Source:bbc.co.uk]

Leaders in Russia and Chechnya seem to have it in their heads that it’s okay to have someone brutally killed so long as the next day they come out and publicly denounce the murder. Like the rest of the world isn’t going to notice that every journalist that calls them out for human rights violations suspiciously dies. I hope this further devolves to a point at which, when confronted by brass-balled international reporters about the death of a talkative political opponent, the leader in question shoves his hands in his pockets and begins whistling while gently rocking back and forth and avoiding eye contact. I’m pretty sure that’s the only way left to go.

Michael Bay Wet Dream Becomes Reality

There was a major accident on I-75 in Detroit last night (I know, that's how I felt too. Detroit?!?! That quiet, peaceful, well-maintained slice of the American dream?!?!). Though I couldn't reach Michael Bay for comment, I have to imagine he would have said "Kaaabooooomm!", then laughed hysterically and shoved his hand down his velcro-fastened pants.
HAZEL PARK, Mich. — Flames shot hundreds of feet in the air after a gasoline tanker exploded Wednesday night underneath a highway overpass near Detroit. Part of the overpass collapsed onto the interstate below and spilled fuel burned as fire crews doused the road with water. The drivers of the tanker, a semitrailer and a car were taken to a hospital with minor injuries, said Michigan State Police Lt. Shannon Sims. The three men were being interviewed as part of the investigation into how the accident happened...A wrecked, burned tractor-trailer could be seen near the destroyed tanker, which was carrying an estimated 13,000 gallons of fuel. Flames and black, billowing plumes of smoke reached 150 to 200 feet into the air before the fire was extinguished after nearly three hours. [Source: comcast.net]

The good news about this is, no one was hurt and crews should have everything cleared up later today. Also, sources on the scene say that watching the aftermath of this accident was at least three times more entertaining than having to sit through Transformers 2.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Sweet fucking God, why?

In my ceaseless quest to steal from all news websites, regardless of political affiliations, I found myself, once again, at foxnews.com. I thought it would be funny to click on the word "science" on a neoconservative website and...*gasp*...doth my eyes decieve me or have we begun assembling Skynet's foot soldiers?
It could be a combination of 19th-century mechanics, 21st-century technology — and a 20th-century horror movie. A Maryland company under contract to the Pentagon is working on a steam-powered robot that would fuel itself by gobbling up whatever organic material it can find — grass, wood, old furniture, even dead bodies. Robotic Technology Inc.'s Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot — that's right, "EATR" — "can find, ingest, and extract energy from biomass in the environment (and other organically-based energy sources), as well as use conventional and alternative fuels (such as gasoline, heavy fuel, kerosene, diesel, propane, coal, cooking oil, and solar) when suitable," reads the company's Web site. That "biomass" and "other organically-based energy sources" wouldn't necessarily be limited to plant material — animal and human corpses contain plenty of energy, and they'd be plentiful in a war zone. EATR will be powered by the Waste Heat Engine developed by Cyclone Power Technology of Pompano Beach, Fla., which uses an "external combustion chamber" burning up fuel to heat up water in a closed loop, generating electricity. The advantages to the military are that the robot would be extremely flexible in fuel sources and could roam on its own for months, even years, without having to be refueled or serviced. Upon the EATR platform, the Pentagon could build all sorts of things — a transport, an ambulance, a communications center, even a mobile gunship. In press materials, Robotic Technology presents EATR as an essentially benign artificial creature that fills its belly through "foraging," despite the obvious military purpose. [Source: my nightmares...also foxnews.com]

You may have noticed that I published the article in it's entirety. I did that mainly so that each and every one of you can get a handle on what we're dealing with here. Before they become our overlords. Which I have to presume will happen after devouring their first corpse and subsequently developing an insatiable thirst for human flesh. I will say this though, I'm proud to know that the end of humanity will be brought about by American robots. Up until now, all the smart money was on Japan. *Wipes away tear, begins humming Star Spangled Banner*


...in racial stereotypes news

Guh, today sucks. I'm trying to wait until after all is said and done to get into the whole Sotomayer thing and I'm sick of talking about plane crashes. So, I'm gonna go ahead and recommend you take a look at the article from cnn's series "Black in America". Today's topic is how it feels to be an African immigrant in America...

"I have been laughed at because of my accent and asked all the ignorant questions," said iReporter Ajah-Aminata N'daw, 25, of Fall River, Massachusetts. "Questions like: Did I live on a tree? Roam the jungles naked? Have wild animals at home?" [Ed. Note: To be fair, I was drunk and he started talking to me.] ...


Raphael Craig [native American and apparently not a "reader" - Ed.], 17, of Hyattsville, Maryland, said the television misinformed him as well. Before Craig visited [Africa] in 2005 and 2006, he thought of Africans as "half-naked, running around with tigers in the jungle," Craig said, confessing he was unaware tigers roam only Asia. [Ed. Note: I had a similar revelation when attempting to go whale watching in Lake Mead] [Source: cnn.com]

Come on cnn. Let’s not pretend like we only marginalize black people. We have plenty of racism and xenophobia to go around. Have you considered maybe not interviewing total morons?

“Imagine my surprise when I first moved to Italy and encountered no plumbers, no mafia members, and not one single person talking about spicy meat-a-balls.”

This article does serve to demonstrate how alarmingly uneducated Americans are but, to be fair, other countries suck just as much. I can’t tell you how many times I was told that I speak well “for an American”, that I’m physically fit “for an American”, that it’s surprising how logical and polite I am because “you know [I’m] an American”. Some Europeans practically crapped their pants when I didn’t enter a room wearing an American flag “don’t tread on me” t-shirt, cowboy hat, and carrying a ten-gauge.

Missing hiker found, has great relationship with dad

I wanted to post this article this morning because I thought it would be happy. It seems that every morning when I wake up and check the news sites I see plane crashes, suicide bombings, and coups and I was excited this morning to see an article that was not about death and destruction, without my having to go to metro.co.uk and talk about vagina weightlifting or elephant butt moisturizers. It's a story at the bbcnews website about a 19-year-old british hiker who was lost in the Australian wilderness for twelve days. He was barely alive when found but he was alive. His family must be overjoyed, right?
Mr Neale's father, Richard Cass, who flew to Australia to join the search, was reunited with his son, who he said looked "gaunt and scratched". Mr Cass told
Australian newspaper, The Age: "The millions that have been spent on this search, the man hours that have gone into it... all because he goes out on a walk without his mobile phone."The only teenager in the world who goes on a 10-mile hike and leaves his mobile phone behind.'' Speaking at a press conference he admitted that he had "lost faith". "I made a little shrine for him," he said. "I defaced your national park with his name and date of birth - he's going to come back and see his gravestone." [Source: bbc.co.uk]

Most people would lay off the kid for forgetting his phone, given that he's currently being treated in a hospital for massive exposure and dehydration. But most people aren't Richard Cass.

“Aren’t you gonna help us, Richard?”

“I am helping, I’m carving the little bastard’s tombstone.”

Father of the year anyone?

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

People still listening to Sarah Palin

In what intelligent analysts are calling “a mystifying decision”, editors at the Washington Post published an op-ed piece by the Jessica Simpson of the political world, Sarah Palin, in which she trashes President Obama’s energy plan. Unfortunately for me (and the nation’s collective IQ), relevant* media outlets have decided to pick up the story…well…foxnews did, anyway.

In an op-ed piece in Tuesday's Washington Post, Palin attacks the administration's so-called cap-and-trade plan that would allow industrial sources to buy and sell pollution permits. The plan, Palin writes, is "an enormous threat to our economy. It would undermine our recovery over the short term and would inflict permanent damage." She adds: "In addition to immediately increasing unemployment in the energy sector, even more American jobs will be threatened by the rising cost of doing business under the cap-and-tax plan."Instead, the former Republican vice presidential nominee says: "We are ripe for economic growth and energy independence if we responsibly tap the resources that God created right underfoot on American soil. Just as important, we have more desire and ability to protect the environment than any foreign nation from which we purchase energy today." [Source: Foxnews.com]
I have only once in the last year and a half read something that woman said without emitting an exacerbated sigh.** Weird, a neocon that wants to drill for oil and fight against a higher environmental standard? Huh, I never thought I’d see the day. The only reason I posted this is because of an ongoing sense of fascination/disgust I feel over the fact that ANYONE CONSIDERS HER RELEVANT. A few weeks ago I joked that Paul Anka’s “Just don’t look” song from The Simpsons wouldn’t work in dealing with North Korea. It WILL work here. This woman is not a great political mind, she’s a power-hungry moron. Stop talking to her, stop talking about her and she will go away. She is simply a celebrity. Celebrities have to create themselves as brands and tirelessly promote them. If you don’t buy it, eventually she will fade away. Thus, from this moment, I will no longer talk about this woman.

*I should note that I’m considering relevance here as being based on the relevance of the medium – print journalism versus internet and television journalism – and not taking a shot at the Post itself, which I regularly read and encourage you to as well.
**Her comments about considering an abortion when she got the amniocentesis on her son was powerful and a rare moment of honesty from this lying, manipulative hussy.

Mexico seems relaxing

Reason number 1,763,491 that I do not want to go to mexico (reason 1,763490 was when they found the ice-box heads) -
(CNN) -- Twelve to 15 bodies showing signs of torture were found on the side of a remote highway in the Mexican state of Michoacan, the state attorney general's office told CNN en Español. Authorities were still arriving at the scene Monday evening to verify the exact body count, officials said. The discovery follows coordinated attacks in at least eight cities in Michoacan that killed three federal police officers and two soldiers Saturday in what officials called an unprecedented onslaught by drug gangs. The bodies found Monday were in the same place where four bodies showing signs of torture were dumped in June, the Universal newspaper reported. [Source:cnn.com]

First of all, let me applaud the mexican police for doing something other than beating up and extorting money from drunken frat assholes on spring break. Not that I'm against that mind you. I think anyone seen in a puca-shell necklace or smelling like an Axe product should automatically be assaulted on doucheyness alone. Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, Mexico's decline into something out of the Book of Eli. This is a bad time to find oneself in the midst of a social apocalypse. America can't help you right now. We've got way too much of our own to deal with - the failing economy, multiple wars, the VH1 reality show lineup - I'd say hold off on the no holds barred drug wars until we get our shit together. Otherwise, you're on your own and...well...no offense, but...you're MEXICO.

Monday, July 13, 2009

British kid gets Augustus Glooped in Thailand

Sweet fucking God! This is one of the most upsetting things that I've read since I saw Lauren Conrad's name atop the NY Times Best Seller list (I had naturally assumed Hills fans don't read).
A British schoolboy drowned when he was sucked into a pool's pumping system while looking for his lost goggles. Nathan Clark, 14, was last seen lifting a grille at the bottom of the pool in a Thai water park before disappearing into the pipe below. His father, Jim Clark, dived into the outdoor whirlpool to save him after Nathan's 15-year- old brother Rhys raised the alarm but could find no trace of him. Nathan's body finally emerged in the pool's pump room. Engineers opened a water gate there and the body spilled out as Nathan's horrified father looked on. The tragedy was compounded for the family because lifeguards at the pool at first refused to believe their pleas for help and accused them of 'playing jokes'. They said such an accident was impossible because the grille, which was a yard under the surface, was locked. Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1199161/British-y-14-drowns-sucked-swimming-pool-pump-Thai-resort.html#ixzz0L9dMiPTu&C

As if I didn't already have enough reason to be wary of pools - what with all the toddler urine. I'll stick with the ocean, thank you. It may be full of fish shit, whale spooge, and baby dolphin blood (thank you very much, Japan), but at least I won't be sucked up into piping while teenage lady-boy lifeguards sit motionless with their mouths agape. That's right I said "lady-boy" what does your brain immediately think of when reading "teenage" and "Thailand"?

Say it ain't sooooooo

Most people have been speculating that North Korea’s convention fan-version of Emperor Palpatine has been going overboard lately with gross displays of power because he’s on his last leg and thus does not have the decades necessary for an adequate PR campaign to ensure the always-smooth-going autocratic transition to his heir. I have been resistant to such postulations because I adore making fun of the man who seems more like the offspring of Wilhelm Pieck and Pol Pot than the late Kim Il Sung. Unfortunately for me, he apparently has cancer. Why do these things keep happening to me?
SEOUL, South Korea — North Korean leader Kim Jong Il has life-threatening pancreatic cancer, a news report said Monday, days after fresh images of him looking gaunt spurred speculation that his health was worsening following a reported stroke last year. The 67-year-old Kim was diagnosed with the cancer around the time he was felled by the stroke last summer, Seoul's YTN television reported, citing unidentified intelligence officials in South Korea and China. The report cited the officials saying the disease is "threatening" Kim's life. [Source: Comcast.net]

Pancreatic cancer is extremely aggressive, it is the fifth leading cause of cancer-related death in the US, and the average life-expectancy of someone afflicted with the disease is less than a year (3 to 6 months). In fact, according to wrongdiagnosis.com, fewer than five percent of pancreatic cancer patients survive five years with the disease. And that’s in AMERICA, not the land before time/experiment in divergent social evolution that is North Korea. As my brother once put it, North Korea can’t be seen from space when the sun goes down. This is, of course, great news for South Korea who will ultimately have the task of incorporating this pre-Thunderdome Bartertown and its half-dead inhabitants into their society after the resulting coup, or civil war or whatever the hell lies ahead in that dystopian nightmare. Well, Seoul, you had fifty years or so of economic boom. It was a good run.

Fuckin Teens

The family of future Nobel laureate Alexa Longueira, a 15-year-old from Staton Island, are planning on suing New York City's Department of Environmental Protection because Miss Longueira was so busy texting her classmate (presumably in the midst of a stirring discourse about the President's recent decision to investigate the deaths of Iraqi detainees under Abdul Rashid Dostum) that she unwittingly fell into the sewer through an open manhole. Sadly there were no banana peels or cream pies present at the time...
The girl suffered a fright and some scrapes on her arms back after she dropped into the hole on Victory Boulevard....For its part, the Department of Environmental Protection said its workers had turned away briefly to grab some cones when the incident occurred. "We regret that this happened and wish the young woman a speedy recovery," DEP spokeswoman Mercedes Padilla said in a statement. She added that crews were flushing a high-pressure sewer line at the time. The girl was checked out at Staten Island University Hospital and released. Sewer line workers are supposed to cut off pedestrian access to work sites or at least mark them with warning signs. The family said they will file a lawsuit -- for what, though, is not immediately clear. Her mother, Kim Longueira, said it doesn't matter that her daughter was walking and texting, and also, the 'gross' factor that can't be ignored.
"Oh my God, it was putrid," she said. "One of her sneakers is still down there"[Source: msnbc.msn.com]

UGH. Anyone who knows me knows of my conflagrant, all-consuming hatred of teens. Frankly I'd love to throw them all down sewers. But the thing about this incident that inspires the most ire in me is, unquestionably, the parents' decision to sue (and the fact that they'll probably win). The kid fell into a hole full of shit. That sucks. But this is a good lesson in paying attention to where the fuck you're walking. She wasn't physically injured. This is nothing that a shower and a stern beating can't fix. Frankly I think she owes the Department of Environmental Protection an apology for interrupting their work and upsetting those poor workers. If I were on the jury, I wouldn't even award this mongoloid the cost of a replacement shoe. In fact, I'd probably reccommend to the judge that her tubes be tied to prevent the possibility of her poisoning the earth with her insensate seed. *wipes foam from mouth, catches breath*

Best. Story. Ever.

I don't really have much I can say to improve upon the following block quote. It comes from metro.co.uk (of course) and it is the story of a Russian woman who won a weight-lifting competition. Why is that so awesome? Because she lifted the weight with her knob-gobbler. I'm guessing this competition is not on any of the ESPN channels I get.

A Russian woman has set a new world record in the competitive world of vagina lifting by raising 14kg using her ... hmmm ... well you know. "You insert one of the balls in your vagina, and it has a string attached to it with a little hook at the very end. You fix a second ball onto this hook." Thanks Tatiata. As for how she got into the sport, here she is again.

"After I had a child, my intimate muscles got unbelievably weak. I read books on Dao and learned that ancient women used to deal with this problem using wooden balls.
"I looked around, saw a Murano glass ball and inserted it in my vagina. It took me ages to get it out!
"It's enough to exercise your vagina five minutes a day, ladies,
and in just one week you'll be able to give yourself and your man unforgettable pleasure in bed." [Source: metro.co.uk]


Wow. Wooden balls eh? That sounds...well...splintery. Still, 14kg? That's 30 fucking pounds! I've got a lot of training to do. *picks up boss' glass candy dish* If anyone needs me, I'll be in the john.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Photo of the Week: When in France



I'll be coming back from vacation after breakfast on Monday, so hopefully this awesome picture will tide you over until I return. I'm speaking of course to Becca as she is the only one reading this.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Scientists fulfill bitter women's dreams by making men obsolete

Scientists in Newcastle have found a way to use stem cells to create human sperm in a balls-free laboratory environment. Though they say that it will likely take around five years to perfect the technique. But I want it now!
They began with stem cell lines derived from human embryos donated following IVF treatment. The stem cells had been removed when the embryo was a few days old and were stored in tanks of liquid nitrogen. The stem cells were brought to body temperature and put in a chemical mixture to encourage them to grow. They were "tagged" with a genetic marker which enabled the scientists to identify and separate so-called "germline" stem cells from which eggs and sperm are developed. The male, XY stem cells underwent the crucial process of "meiosis" - halving the number of chromosomes. The process over creating and developing the sperm took four to six weeks.[Source: bbc.co.uk]

Ridiculous people complain that this could lead to a future without men. Meanwhile I am even more ridiculously wondering if this will lead to a future without balls. Balls are not the most aesthetically pleasing of body parts. On the other hand, I don’t want my husband or children to have weird Ken doll/Marilyn Manson bodies. I’ll need to think about this some more…

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Iran won’t put an asterisk next to his name

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad addressed the country he stole control of today to assure them that he’s the legally elected leader despite what everyone else says. He also addressed the fact that his government may need work, but it is working. This is all second hand, though, as foreign press is still not permitted to report in the country.
TEHRAN, Iran (CNN) -- Iran President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, whose re-election last month has been challenged by opponents, on Tuesday called the balloting "the most free election anywhere in the world." Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was re-elected last month, setting off days of protests. "It was a great event," he said in a nationally televised address…Criticism of government "is the key to the success of a nation," Ahmedinejad said during Tuesday's speech. Everyone has criticisms, he said. "I have my own." "That actually is the key to the success of a nation," he said [Ed. Note: I don't think it counts if those criticisms aren't a catalyst for change]. Ahmadinejad also said the government should be reorganized, mentioning the areas of employment, housing and economic development. "(We) need to create newer capacities and prepare ourselves for this new period," he said, apparently referring to the period following his re-election last month. [Source: cnn.com]

See, he cares. Weird that he didn’t mention the thousand people or more arrested or the twenty or so killed. But to each his own I guess. That truly was the most free election. Everyone was free to choose it’s only that not every vote counted. I think he’s got the right attitude here, I just think he should have done more to demonstrate that the government, though flawed, is still capable and just. Like donning a t-shirt that says “Pobody’s Nerfect”.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Fox News declares Cold War officially over.

Most people would argue that the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1991 marked the end of The Cold War. But Fox news is not most people. Apparently Sean Hannity and his cohorts are only now emerging from under their desks as word breaks of President Obama’s “’road map’ for a future treaty to replace the Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty on Monday, a prologue to a new plan to reduce the nuclear stockpile to its lowest level ever..."[Foxnews.com] That’s right folks, today is a momentous one in world history as our President and the President of Russia totally pinky-swear to eventually agree to do something no one was worried about. I have chills.
The joint understanding on START commits the United States and Russia to reduce their strategic warheads to a range of 1,500-1,675, and their strategic delivery vehicles to a range of 500-1,100. It is an update to the START deal ratified in 2001 that is set to expire in December. The previous deal allowed up to 2,200 warheads and 1,600 launch vehicles. It also sets out plans to establish a Joint Data Exchange Center, which will notify each country of planned missile launches. It also calls on other countries with "missile potential to refrain from steps that could lead to missile proliferation and undermine regional and global stability." And it urges interested countries to cooperate in assessing the danger of global proliferation of ballistic missiles.[Source: foxnews.com]

People like Gordon Chang insist that if we, as Americans, want the rest of the world to halt nuclear programs and dispose of the weapons they already have, that we must set an example by destroying all of our weapons. It seems a solid point but I, as all modern Americans, was raised in a culture of fear. I can’t help but think of The Simpsons' Halloween episode in which Lisa uses Homer’s monkey’s paw to wish for world peace and when the world disposes of its guns, aliens attack. Am I suggesting that Russia is working with aliens and Gordon Chang to confuse us into getting rid of our weapons so that they can enslave us? I don’t think so. I’ll be honest, this post got away from me about four sentences ago.

PS The fox news article was listed under "Cold War Thaw" and had the following tagline:
"In a sign the Cold War is definitely over, the U.S. and Russian presidents signed a joint understanding on reducing their countries' nuclear stockpiles to a maximum 1,675 weapons and 1,100 delivery vehicles." So I don't want to hear any crap from you neocon types that I'm unjustly making fun of foxnews. It's just.

China loves the free exchange of ideas

There was a big tussle in China over the weekend at which our future overlords pwned some protestors who were marching in opposition to the growing Han Chinese presence in the Xinjiang region – formerly known as East Turkestan. The protestors (Uighurs) claim that the protests were peaceful, citing China’s well-publicized love of wailing on people that try instigate governmental change. The State, on the other hand, insists the protests were violent, protestors were carrying "knives, bricks and batons", and were smashing cars and attacking innocent Hans.
Violence in China's restive western region of Xinjiang has left at least 140 people dead and more than 800 people injured, state media say. Several hundred people were arrested after a protest, in the city of Urumqi on Sunday, turned violent. Beijing says Uighurs went on the rampage but one exiled Uighur leader says police fired on students. The protest was reportedly prompted by a deadly fight between Uighurs and Han Chinese in southern China last month. The BBC's Chris Hogg in Shanghai says this is one of the most serious clashes between the authorities and demonstrators in China since Tiananmen Square in 1989... When asked about the rioting, UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon said that all governments must protect freedom of speech and "the life and safety of civilian populations". A spokesman for UK PM Gordon Brown said Britain was urging "restraint on all sides". Italian President Giorgio Napolitano said he had raised the issue of human rights with visiting Chinese President Hu Jintao in Rome. But then they dropped the subject, got drunk on Sambuca and harassed pretty girls. [Ed. Note: Okay I added that last part but, to be fair, he didn’t elaborate any further]. [Source: bbc.co.uk]

China, China, China, you and your reckless disregard for human rights. I'm not happy about this. Keep this up and we may have to find someone else to make our poisonous toys and condoms.

Palin resigns?

In I've-got-a-bad-feeling-about-this news "Sexy Sarah" Palin resigned as governor of Alaska last week. This move surprised and terrified me. This woman cannot stand being out of the news cycle. Any opportunity to get her face out there she's all over. She's basically the political Speidi. So what's she planning? Well, don't ask other republicans.

"It's a risky strategy," [Karl]Rove told "Fox News Sunday."

"Astounding," was the pronouncement by Republican Sen. Chuck Grassley of Iowa, and conservative columnist George Will said Palin was declaring herself a quitter.

Some analysts believe that Palin will seek the 2012 Republican presidential nomination and that her resignation is intended to free her to prepare.[Source: cnn.com]

Remember on Futurama when Leela became the first female major-league blernsball player? She thought she was a pioneer until Jackie Anderson pointed out that she was just a novelty and was so terrible that she was making it difficult for real female players to be taken seriously? Now, I know that Palin isn’t the first female to find her way onto a vice presidential ticket, but I find eerie parallels between the pageant girl from Alaska and the one-eyed pitcher. Except Palin has more of that Rove-y evil going on. I cannot, for the life of me, understand what the hell it is about this woman that has so many of the nation’s idiots so captivated. She’s openly abused her powers as both mayor of her hometown of Wasilla and as governor of Alaska. She all but cost McCain the election. She has no experience whatsoever – what is the draw here? What? That she’s office-hot? Is that all it takes to be elected to higher levels of government anymore? A half-way decent rack? Boooo America, why do we allow everyone to vote? At least the people of Alaska can breathe easier. I, however, am concerned. What’s her angle here? I keep having nightmares that she’s retreated to Castle Dracula to talk strategy with Karl Rove and the re-animated corpse of Walter Winchell.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

India decriminalizes anal (for dudes)

In a stunning move yesterday, super conservative India reversed a law prohibiting gay sex. This is presumably a result of skyrocketing AIDS rates in the country. Gay men reportedly have affairs in secret and do not use protection (since sex is reserved for marriage, condom use isn’t widely accepted as sex is viewed as a means of reproduction, not pleasure) thus the AIDS virus has spread between homosexual lovers and their beards. Oops, I mean “wives”. Hopefully more progressive attitudes towards homosexuality will lead to education about protection.
A court in the Indian capital, Delhi, has ruled that homosexual intercourse between consenting adults is not a criminal act. The ruling overturns a 148-year-old colonial law which describes a same-sex relationship as an "unnatural offence". Homosexual acts were punishable by a 10-year prison sentence. Many people in India regard same-sex relationships as illegitimate. Rights groups have long argued that the law contravened human rights. Delhi's High Court ruled that the law outlawing homosexual acts was discriminatory and a "violation of fundamental rights". The court said that a statute in Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code, which defines homosexual acts as "carnal intercourse against the order of nature" and made them illegal, was an "antithesis of the right to equality".[Source: bbc.co.uk]
I’ve never understood government laws policing sexual behavior. How are such laws enforced? Why do they exist? I can understand certain laws prohibiting sex with children, family members, and animals. Children do not have the mental capacity to fully understand the gravity of their actions and thus cannot legally consent, inbreeding leads to developmental and physical disabilities and higher frequency of the super-weird phenomenon of “herms” and fucking sheep is gross. But when it comes to two consenting adults, who gives a shit? Just because I don’t think foot jobs are sexy doesn’t mean I think you shouldn’t be allowed to do it. This is all a matter of religion. What’s that? The Bible says a man shouldn’t lay with another man? Oh yeah? Well the Bible also says we should break the neck of a cow at the scene of an unsolved murder (seriously, Deuteronomy 21 4). The Bible says a lot of weird shit everyone ignores, so quit being a prick and lay off the gays.

Denver police are competent, love justice

I clicked on this article on Cnn.com because it was entitled “Suspected serial killer leads police to bodies, won’t be charged.” Now, I fully anticipated that this article would make me go Nancy Grace all over everybody’s ass (it didn’t really) but I clicked on it anyway because of semantics. Yes, today is that fucking exciting. If the guy is showing you the missing corpses, do we really need to call him “suspected”? I know that journalists have to be careful what they say – cushioning every line with “allegedly” and “suspected” to avoid lawsuits – but come on, he’s showing you the bodies. I think it’s safe to say he killed these people.
DENVER, Colorado (CNN) -- Serving time for lesser crimes, Scott Kimball is leading investigators to bodies.Partly mummified bones thought to be those of his uncle, Terry Kimball, were discovered Monday in a remote Rocky Mountain pass near Vail, Colorado. DNA tests are pending to confirm the victim's identity, and the cause of death is pending a forensic examination, authorities said.Terry Kimball is one of several suspected homicide victims associated with Scott Kimball since his jailing in 2008. He is serving a 48-year sentence in state prison in Fairplay, Colorado, on theft and habitual criminal convictions.Kimball will also serve a 70-month federal sentence on firearms charges after the state sentence. The firearms charges led to Kimball's 18th conviction.However, Kimball probably will not be charged in any of the deaths.Sources with knowledge of the cases said Kimball's December 2008 plea to theft and habitual criminal charges, and the 48-year sentence, was part of a deal that included revealing the locations of the bodies. Authorities wanted to give victims' families resolution. Without his cooperation, authorities doubt they have enough evidence to convict him.[Source: cnn.com].

Kimball is believed to be responsible for at least four murders, the last of which was perpetrated while he was working as a police informant gathering info on the victim’s boyfriend. Way to go Denver PD. This doesn’t instill confidence that he’ll serve the whole of his sentence. After all, the lesser charges allow for the possibility of parole and they’ve already agreed NOT to press charges for the murders. I know that no one in their right mind would parole this guy but if you read the first sentence of this paragraph, I think you can appreciate my concern. Barring parole though, the guy is 42 so the decision to let him off the hook for the sake of the families makes some sense. I mean he will be around 95 by the time he’s done serving the 48-year and 70-month sentences. Assuming he lives that long, he will be too feeble to kill anyone else. Unless he’s some kind of mythical super-killer. Then God save us all.

Good-natured man stifled by prudes

Well it’s Thursday and the day before my day off from work. I’ve been trying desperately to find a story in the news that I could make fun of but everything is soldiers being captured and children being murdered. I know, I feel bad for me too. Thankfully, Foxnews stepped up with this gem about a guy who inexplicably decided to get butt naked on a flight to LA. You can make your own “snakes on a plane” joke. I may not have a lot of self-respect, but I’ve got enough *spills Iron City beer on 'No Fat Chicks' t-shirt*.
ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — A US Airways flight to Los Angeles was diverted to Albuquerque after a passenger removed all of his clothing mid-flight, forcing flight attendants to cover him with a blanket before he was arrested, authorities said Wednesday. Keith Wright, 50, of the Bronx in New York, was taken into custody by airport authorities after he disrobed while sitting in his seat in the back of Flight 705 on Tuesday evening, authorities said. The plane was carrying about 148 passengers from Charlotte to Los Angeles, the airline said. Wright was unresponsive when a flight attendant asked him to put his clothes back on, said Dan Jiron, a spokesman for the Albuquerque airport. "She asked him on more than one occasion to put on his clothes. She covered him with a blanket and he took that off," Jiron said. Wright punched and kicked the flight attendant, who asked two off-duty law officers for help, according to a criminal complaint..."No one was really panicking. The flight attendants seemed to handle it very well," [Keegan] said. Keegan said the man was "completely naked" as he was taken in handcuffs off the plane. [Source: foxnews.com]
This wasn’t quite the whimsical tale of humorous penis sighting I thought it would be. Though the part about being naked and in cuffs was kind of sexy, overall it was marred by the fact that he allegedly kicked the shit out of the flight attendant. Though, to be fair, she was kind of being a bitch.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Phew, just reading this article makes my chest hurt

The Trust for America's Health and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation (Best.Name.Ever.) recently published a study stating that obesity rates have risen in 23 states, but declined in zero. Awesome. Sadly, it's not just adults killing themselves with deep-fried macaroni and cheese balls, they're killing their kids too. Childhood obesity rates are above 30% in 30 of our nation's states.
For the fifth year in a row, Mississippi had the highest rate of adult obesity at 32.5%. Three other states - West Virginia, Alabama and Tennessee - also had adult obesity rates in excess of 30%. In just one state - Colorado - was the adult obesity rate below 20%. In 1991, no state had an adult obesity rate above 20%, and in 1980 the national average for adult obesity was 15%. Mississippi also had the highest rate of obese and overweight children (ages 10 to 17) at 44.4%. Minnesota and Utah had the lowest rate at 23.1%. Childhood obesity rates in the US have more than tripled since 1980.[Source: bbc.co.uk]
Ah Mississippi: first in obesity, last in dental hygiene and math. I remember a little while ago reading a study that said that my generation would be the first in US history to have a lower life expectancy than the generation that preceded it. Because of food. Because lazy people are eating themselves to death. It’s easy to get fat, I know that from experience. I was fat once. Exercise for me consisted of bringing the snack cake to my mouth. But when I realized I was getting fat, do you know what I did? Do you know my secret? I stopped eating so much and tried to move around once a day. There. That’s the secret of weightloss. Eat less and walk for fifteen minutes a day at a normal pace. But this article isn’t talking about fat people. “Fat” is a designation for people with a body mass index of 25-29.9. We’re talking about obesity, which carries a BMI of 30 or more. Really, if people want to kill themselves with mayonnaise and custard, fuck it. I don’t care. But when they’re allowing their kids to die because they’re too lazy or stupid to feed them correctly, that’s when I get pissed. That’s when I start polishing my rifle.

What'd you do?

Call me cynical, but I can't imagine a politician would ever retire without some scandal involving getting reacharounds from pages in his office on a holiday while secretly embezzling thousands of dollars to use for hush money. Well maybe not that specifically, but surely something bad. Really, they should just come out and tell us right out of the gate, because if people are anything like me, their imaginations are far sicker than the truth could ever be. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Croatia's Prime Minister just stepped down for no reason.
Croatian Prime Minister Ivo Sanader resigned unexpectedly on Wednesday, two years ahead of a parliamentary election. He is leaving his deputy to revive a stalled EU application bid and tackle a sharp economic downturn.Mr Sanader said he was leaving politics altogether, quashing speculation he might have stepped down to clear the way for a presidential run next year. "I have decided to withdraw from active politics and not to run for the presidency," he said at a news conference. Mr Sanader served as prime minister since his conservative Croatian Democratic Union (HDZ) took power from Social Democrats in 2003, but his second term was marred by a rapidly slowing economy and an impasse on European Union entry talks, stalled because of a border row with neighbouring Slovenia. Mr Sanader gave no reason for his decision to step down. "There is always a time in life for a new beginning.[Source:euranet.eu]

I have to assume Croatia’s standards for what qualifies as a scandal are worse than ours. I don’t know why I assume that. I suppose it’s just good ole fashioned American xenophobia. But I feel like, unless he was doing something like stealing from the country or selling their secrets to their enemies, it’ll be disappointing if it comes out that he didn’t do something really sick, like skinning children and performing voodoo ceremonies to harvest their souls. I can’t take another “I’m secretly gay” or “I’m fucking some Argentine chick” scandal. Part of me wishes politicians were like Jedis – forbidden to love. If only to prevent idiotic scandals. Or maybe they could love, but not marry. That way people would stop caring who they sleep with. I’ll be honest, as disgusted as I am by the concept of cheating on your spouse, if you’re not my spouse, I don’t really give a shit so long as you do your job well. I figured that out back at Clinton.

Unitarians teaching sex-ed to old people

An article on Oprah.com (fuck you I don't need to justify why I was on that website) detailed a sex-ed class for adults provided by Unitarians. The ideal demographic was supposed to be young adults in their 20s and 30s but apparently a lot more “older” people showed up to talk about, among other things, “what normal genitals look like”. I’m sorry I gave you that mental image. The mental image of old people and sex, mind you, not of normal genitals. I give up. Take it away block quote
Then Detwiler pulled out a model of a penis and the "Wondrous Vulva Puppet."[Ed.Note: I use my “wondrous vulva puppet” to entertain small children at school bus stops]. She had labels ready (clitoris, perineum, vagina, glans, PC muscle) and asked volunteers to place them correctly. As students moved through the lesson, they talked about how the different parts contribute to pleasure.Next, the instructors asked the students to compare the Masters and Johnson linear model of sexual response[Ed. Teehee "Masters and Johnson" ] -- excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution -- to a circular model of mutual pleasure. To explain the idea, Detwiler drew a large circle on newsprint and asked students to think of all sorts of sexy, fun activities and list them around the circle. The students came up with "caress, oral sex, kiss, massage, lubrication, talking[Ed.Note: Hmmm I wonder if an older woman suggested that], fondling, phone sex, kiss again, snuggle." In a circular model, Detwiler pointed out, partners can start or stop sensual activity anytime they want[Ed.Note: depends on your partner], and the activities don't necessarily lead to orgasm[Ed. Note: too easy].Sylvie says that some students thought that type of sex would be an exercise in frustration, but others said they could imagine times in their lives when those options would work -- when they were not ready to have sex with a new partner, when they were too tired to have intercourse with their current partner, when they were trying to liven things up with a longtime lover. [Source: oprah.com]
True story: I took my mom to see Knocked Up at her urging and at the point in the film at which Seth Rogan is describing what he would expect on a second date, my sixty-something mother turned to me and asked “What’s a ‘BJ’?”. Worst. Movie Experience. Ever. Trauma aside, in the end I’m fairly happy she doesn’t know the answer to that and I don’t want crazy Unitarians telling her or any old people. Your sexual days are over. Learn to knit.