Brazil also gets a slow clap

According to the Canadian Broadcasting Channel (What? It can’t always be Cnn and Foxnews), a Brazilian TV host is under investigation for drug trafficking and allegedly organizing a death squad to kill off rival drug dealers and capitalize on their deaths for the sake of his true crime television show. I swear to God this was a Twilight Zone episode with Newman from Seinfeld (except for the drug part).

In one murder after another, the Canal Livre crime TV show had an uncanny knack for being first on the scene, gathering graphic footage of the victims. Too uncanny, said police, who are now investigating the show's host, state legislator Wallace Souza, on suspicion of commissioning at least five of the murders to boost his ratings and prove his claim that Brazil's Amazon region is awash in violent crime. Police also have also accused Souza of drug trafficking.

Naturally, Souza claims he’s being set up by a corrupt system out to get him.

"I was the one who organized legislative inquiries into organized crime, the prison system, corruption, drug trafficking by police, and pedophilia." [Ed. Note: Not sure how that last one fits in but fair enough.]

Souza remains free because of legislative immunity that prevents him from being arrested as long as he is a lawmaker.[Pinching bridge of nose, sighing audibly]. He is being investigated by a special task force, and state judicial authorities will decide whether the case goes forward.
[State police intelligence chief Thomas]Vasconcelos said the crimes appear to have served the Souzas in two ways: They eliminated drug-trafficking rivals, and boosted
ratings.[Source: www.cbc.ca].

This guy apparently became a politician and a TV host in Brazil after he was fired from his job as a police officer for corruption. His former colleagues began an investigation into his television show because his film crews often showed up to the scene of crimes and violent deaths before the police did. Hmmm. There’s the fatal flaw in this plan. Unless you’re Dionne Warwick or Jambi from Pee-wee’s Playhouse, it’s gonna look suspicious when you show up to crimes before they’re reported.

Remind me not to go to the hospital in Paraguay

In surprising news, the usually stellar medical system in Paraguay faced some embarrassment this morning when news broke that a doctor accidentally misdiagnosed a baby as "dead". People are freaking out over this but, to be fair, it's Paraguay. I'm pretty sure there are parts of that country still using dried, ground-up cat testicles from the local apothecary to cure diabetes. There isn't a written article here, so I'm going to try to embed a video (keep in mind I know nothing about computers as I am now and have always been an "outdoor" kid).

http://www.comcast.net/video/-dead-baby-awakens-before-funeral/1209671960/Comcast/1208254231/

When I first saw this article, I remember wondering where this could happen that they don't embalm corpses prior to funerals, but it wasn't really like that. I mean, technically it was before the funeral, but only in the way that what I'm doing right now is before my morning BM. I mean, I'm not sitting on the toilet or anything. This headline made it sound like it was go-time. The best part of this whole situation, though, is undoubtedly the part when the woman was describing what happened when she opened the cardboard box containing the baby corpse. "We got very scared." Haha, well, naturally. George Romero movies are huge in Paraguay. These people should get a medal for realizing it was actually alive and not shooting it in the head.


UPDATE: okay, so I tried really hard (once) to get the video to embed, but it wouldn't, so I left you with the link so that you can watch it on the comcast website.

Which justice system sucks now, Britain?

As you may or may not have noticed, most of my police/justice system incompetance stories comre from metro.co.uk. And all are focused on American incompetence. Today, the UK's Daily Mail, was kind enought to even the score a little with this gem.

A man prosecuted for stealing a 25p [About $0.50 US] banana has been cleared after a trial which cost the taxpayer £20,000. James Gallagher, 23, was accused of stealing the fruit from the Del Villagio restaurant in Birmingham's Bullring shopping centre. But a jury at Birmingham Crown Court jurors took less than half an hour to find him not guilty of burglary and a lesser charge of theft. Speaking after the verdict was delivered, Mr Gallagher said: 'It's shocking, it's just a waste of taxpayers' money. I cannot understand how they've got away with it.' Recorder Mr Shamim Qureshi told the jury before they delivered their verdict: 'It is easy sometimes to think "What is this case doing at the crown court?"[Source: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1205035/Taxpayer-funds-20-000-court-case-prosecute-man-stealing-25p-banana--guilty.html#ixzz0NW2O66PT]

So to review, the British taxpayers spent the equivalent of 40,000 US dollars to try a man for stealing a fifty-cent banana. And he was acquitted. Wow. Way to go, Britain. I do believe that just earned you a slow clap.

L. Ron Hubbard apparently inspiration for "Accepted"

A report surfaced in The Times of London today suggesting that *gasp* scientology founder Lafayette Ron Hubbard (worst name ever?) may have lied about his education. I know. The idea that a science fiction writer who made up his own pay-religion (based on aliens) after his pyschotherapy theories were ridiculed by people with real degrees may have actually been a con artist? Sometimes the world is a surprising place.

Whitehall officials, keen to learn if Hubbard was truly a man of letters, asked the British Consulate in Los Angeles to investigate him. They sent an urgent confidential request asking whether he had founded the university, if the degree was self-awarded and what was the standing of the institution. “Grateful if you will make discreet and confidential inquiries and telegraph early reply,” said the author of a telegram from London. The answer came from Los Angeles on April 26, 1977: “After exhaustive enquiries we have now tracked down organisation named which was closed down by state authorities in 1971 and all documents impounded. The facts are that it neither has nor ever had approval and its status is not recognised in California . . . It is a ‘will of the wisp’ organisation which has no premises and does not really exist. It has not and never had any authority whatso-ever to issue diplomas or degrees and the dean is sought by the authorities ‘for questioning’.” The diplomat said that Californian authorities had voluminous files on the college. [Source: http://www.timesonline.co.uk/].

To be fair, all religions seem to pray on those weak individuals who want to escape the responsibility of thinking for themselves and avoid the concept that they will consciously cease to be upon death. And I say that as a practicing Catholic (so don't sent me your emails religious right). That being said though, I don't understand how stupid or lost one has to be to fall for this - the scamiest scam that ever scammed. For God's sake, people, he was a science fiction writer! I'm sure it had to have been tempting for the man. Sitting there at his book signings, nerd after nerd droning on and on about how his books are so much more than stories and how aliens really do exist. The lightbulb was bound to go off. You want to steal from the stupid? That's fine, you wouldn't be the first. But I take issue with your use of the word "science". Especially given your total rejection of all medical and psychological science. How dare you, sir.

Do I have a tumor?

...or has someone been slipping peyote into my coffee again? These are just some of the questions I asked myself this morning when I opened my email to find a link to the following article:

When you think of Harvard, fashion probably isn't one of the first associations that comes to mind. But now that the Ivy League University is cutting its teeth as a designer with a new men's clothing line called Harvard Yard, that may change. In what is perhaps the first non-fashion school to create a ready-to-wear line that's runway0worthy, Harvard has teamed up with "private label tailored clothing manufacturer Wearwolf Group, which has licensed the name from the school to produce a contemporary men’s wear collection based on classic Ivy League style," says Women's Wear Daily. [Source: www.blackbookmag.com].

Prices for pieces will apparently run from around $200 to $500, depending upon what type of overpriviledged pretentious douche you’d like to look like. This is a little depressing. I was supposed to head up Harvard way in a few weeks to check out their med school. Think I’ll skip it now. I mean, no rowing team is worth facing my Yaley friends with a boyfriend dressed in “Liberty print wovens”.

I think I'll keep to myself

I'm currently saving up to try and take a much-needed vacation back to Europe this fall and, because I've never before had the pleasure, I am really looking forward to seeing Athens and Santorini in Greece. Though slightly less now:

ATHENS, Greece — A Greek woman faces trial for allegedly setting fire to an amorous British tourist after drenching him with alcohol at a resort bar on the island of Crete. Police on Crete said the 26-year-old suspect was charged with assault Thursday. The victim, who has not been identified, was hospitalized with second-degree burns. The incident took place early Thursday at the rowdy Malia resort, which is popular with young Britons, after the 23-year-old tourist allegedly made crude advances on the local woman. The trial has been set for Friday in the city of Iraklio, in northern Crete. officials said. [Source:foxnews.com]

Given my love of harrassing bar skanks, it is in my nature to side with the victim (also due to my lifelong fear of burning alive). However, being a moderately attractive woman, I know how irritating - even scary - it can be when some over-sexual freak won't back off. Two weeks in Italy and I was turning into Ash from Army of Darkness ("The next one of you primates, even touches me..."). I suppose I would need some more information to really make a fair judgment here. Though I have to say that mace would likely have been a slightly more reasonable weapon. I don't think we need to biblically pwn some douche who's getting handsy. Still, I think I'll have to take this into account in terms of how I deal with the locals when I get over there. *Loads pistol*.

Time Magazine is dignified, respected

Time magazine has a history of sensationalizing every story that graces it's pages. Picking out small, seemingly inconsequential stories and blowing them up to hysterical proportions the way they did during "The summer of shark". But, thankfully, during these difficult economic times they've worked really hard to make sure and keep their reporting substantial and understated. Haha just kidding. Did you know that Americans are so fucking poor that they can't even dispose of their own family members' corpses?!?!?!

Have economic times gotten so bad that some of the dead are going unburied?[Ed. Note: No no they're not. Regardless of whether the family can afford it, the corpses are still buried] Several large counties across the country are experiencing unprecedented increases in the number of unclaimed deceased — not only because the dead person could not be unidentified, was indigent or was estranged from their family, but apparently because more people simply cannot afford to bury or cremate their loved ones. The phenomenon has led to increased costs to local governments that have to dispose of the bodies. [Source: www.time.com]

Well, I've got a shovel and a decent back yard. For an extra fifty I'll even tie some sticks into the shape of a cross. I can't be held responsible if animals get at the grave though. My arms are a little too weak to get more than three or four feet down (all of my strength is in my legs *grrr*). If the economy is this fucking bad though, why don't we just use these bodies to feed the homeless/unemployed? What? Apparently times are too tough to be sensitive.

Hillary's balls are showing

Well, another country that I’ve never heard of until today (I don’t actually own a map) has done pissed off the Secretary of State.

Hillary Clinton has warned that the US will "take action" against Eritrea if it does not stop supporting militants in Somalia. She said after talks with Somali President Sheikh Sharif Sheikh Ahmed [Ed. Note: redundant much?] in Kenya's capital, Nairobi, that Eritrea's actions were "unacceptable". She also said the US would expand support for Somalia's unity government. Eritrea denies supporting Somalia's al-Shabab militants, who are trying to overthrow Somalia's government…Al-Shabab [Ed. Note: Sounds delicious] is growing in strength and 250,000 Somalis have fled their homes in fighting between militants and government forces over the past three months. There are reports that al-Shabab - the Somali Islamist group which favours strict Islamic law and is accused of links to al-Qaeda - is gaining support from militants around the world.[Source: bbc.co.uk].

You know, Africa is the birthplace of mankind, it is the continent on which human beings first developed. So it’s weird to me that, given that they have had people longer than anyone else, there doesn’t seem to be one single solitary country on that God-forsaken land mass that has its shit together. I’m going to dig into Guns, Germs, and Steel and see if I can’t figure out why that is.

If you too are geographically retarded, learn more about Eritrea here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/country_profiles/1070813.stm

Today's news marked by mental normalcy

The big story around the country right now is the shooting at the LA Fitness gym in Bridgeville, PA. I really don't want to talk about that as I am currently sitting at my office in Bridgeville, about five blocks from the scene of the crime. This effects the gym I almost joined two weeks ago (I didn't because it was prohibitively expensive) and the people in my community. Thus, I must disappoint you and be lame by not making light. In psychopath news that is not from my hometown, I submit the following:

SANTA MARIA, California — A 20-year-old man has been charged with decapitating another man with a hatchet as the victim took a morning walk. Prosecutors say Nicholas Bendle was charged Tuesday with murder. Santa Maria police say Bendle attacked 69-year-old Frederick Holgate early Saturday as the victim walked with his cane. Police say they have no motive for the attack or evidence to suggest Bendle and Holgate knew each other. Police say Bendle was arrested after someone in his home called police to say he had just returned covered in blood. He had been reported missing. Lt. Dan Ast says the hatchet had been stolen during a recent home burglary. [Source: foxnews.com].

So he returned home covered in the victims blood? Wow. Inconspicuous. This guy committed a brutal, random hatchet attack and then just went on with his day as normal? I will give you my left nut (or would if I possessed such a gland) if this guy doesn't have heads in a freezer in his garage. Maybe not human heads, but at least cat heads. Personally, I'm just thanking God today that, unlike this victim and those poor people at the gym down the street, I can barely muster enough discipline to grab the prybar to wedge my lazy ass out of bed in the morning. Let alone exercise.

No no, porn is supposed to be sexy, this is gross

A journalist in Zambia is going to be tried and could face jail time on pornography charges after sending “obscene” photos to government officials and local women’s rights groups.

The pictures are graphic - they show a woman in the process of giving birth to a breach baby. Its shoulders, legs and arms are visible, but the head has not yet been delivered. The photos were apparently taken in the grounds of Lusaka's main hospital. The nurses were on strike and the woman had been turned away from two clinics. By the time doctors operated, the baby had suffocated. Chansa Kabwela, the news editor of the Post - Zambia's most popular newspaper - says she was given the photographs by the woman's relatives. She did not publish them, but sent copies to a number of prominent people and women's rights groups, along with a letter calling for the strike to be brought to an end. President Banda expressed his outrage at a news conference, calling the photographs pornographic. Pornography is illegal in Zambia and Ms Kabwela was arrested soon afterwards and charged with distributing obscene material with intent to corrupt public morals. She faces five years in jail.[Source: bbc.co.uk].

Hmmm. I think some wires got crossed here. Pornography is supposed to elicit sexual arousal, no? These pictures aren’t exactly hot. Obscene maybe, but definitely not hot. I don’t need to know anything about Zambia (which is good because I don’t) to know that these charges are trumped up bull designed to silence an outspoken political threat. But more important than the issues of journalism and women’s health, does that say “Pornography is illegal in Zambia”? Wow. So, I guess I won’t be visiting Zambia any time soon. Child porn or animal porn I can understand, as those two are basically documented rapes. But regular old terribly acted, movie-spoof, consenting-adult porn? What’s wrong with that? Next you’re gonna tell me they’ve outlawed cheeseburgers, Queen albums, and meth. What is fun illegal in Zambia?

Well then, I guess I'm the dick

Shortly after Clinton's meeting with Kim Jong Il, news is breaking that the two imprisoned journalists will be set free.

SEOUL, South Korea — The North Korean leader, Kim Jong-il, pardoned two jailed American journalists, the official KCNA news agency has reported, according to Reuters. The report came after former President Bill Clinton met with the reclusive and ailing Mr. Kim in Pyongyang on Tuesday. Mr. Kim granted “a special pardon,” KCNA said in a statement. It was not clear how rapidly the two journalists, Laura Ling, 32, and Euna Lee, 36, might be allowed to leave the country. They were being held near Pyongyang after having been sentenced to 12 years at hard labor for entering North Korea illegally. [Source: Nytimes.com].

I still stand by my statement that this makes Hillary look impotent, but whatever. I guess the good news is, no one important goes to labor-camp. It is, arguably, the worst of the camps. Even fat camp has sugar-free jello and ghost stories.

I wonder what they’d do to Gaultier

A woman in the always sunny country of Sudan was upset today to learn that her trial for tight pants was put off for a month.

(CNN) -- Scores of protesters gathered outside a Sudanese courtroom Tuesday as the trial of a woman who faces 40 lashes for wearing clothes deemed indecent was postponed. Lubna al-Hussein, who says she was arrested for wearing pants that were too tight, faces a new trial date of September 7, her attorney Nadil Adib said. The delay was to allow the judge to consult Sudan's Foreign Ministry on whether al-Hussein is immune from the charges because she was formerly a U.N. employee, he said. Al-Hussein -- who writes for a newspaper and worked for the media department of the United Nations mission in Sudan -- resigned from her U.N. position to deliberately lose immunity and face the charges. She was "disappointed" with the court's decision to delay her trial, Adib said. "She wanted to have her case tried in order to clear her name and have the law announced unconstitutional," he said.[Source: cnn.com].

This was a bold move. While I respect her bravery and her dedication to furthering women’s rights and more progressive fashion choices in Sudan, I have to wonder if this was a solid plan on her part. The article goes on to explain that she did all of this in order to call international attention to inhumane punishments (i.e. flogging people) and female repression by morality police. Problems with this plan:

1. World history of ignoring Sudan (Clooney’s not making Darfur documentaries for his health)

2. The international community rarely involves itself in laws and/or countries that don’t directly impact them

3. Shitty governments such as that of Sudan rarely give a crap what other people think when it comes to the justice system (see also: Myanmar, China, Venezuela, Cuba, Russia…)

So…yeah. Um. Good luck with that. I mean, it’s not like they’ll torture her if she gets convicted. What’s that? Oh, right, the 40 lashes. Well, on the brightside, 40 lashes are only deadly if the wounds become infected, so it’ll probably just hurt a lot.

President Clinton loves embarrassing Hillary

You didn’t think I’d miss an opportunity for two North Korea posts in one day did you? I get a femboner every time I see the name of that land of Kallocain in a headline. Anyway, this second blurb out of the deep recesses of Cormac McCarthy’s nightmares is focused on the release of those American journalists who were recently sentenced to 12 years in a North Korean forced-labor camp. Today brought news that slick Willie Clinton is hangin with the boys in Pyongyang hopin he can sort this whole mess out (presumably with the aid of Taedonggang and hookers).

Former US President Bill Clinton has arrived in North Korea on a surprise visit to discuss the fate of two jailed US reporters. He is the highest-profile American to visit since his secretary of state, Madeleine Albright, went in 2000. The main purpose of Mr Clinton's trip seems to be to secure the release of Laura Ling and Euna Lee, who were recently sentenced to 12 years in jail. He may also try to ease the deadlock over the North's nuclear ambitions. Washington made no announcement of Mr Clinton's trip prior to his arrival, but in a later statement stressed that this was a private visit. [Source: bbc.co.uk].

I’m not entirely sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, it’s great that he’s keeping busy during retirement. Also, he really does have one of the best foreign relations resumes of any President in recent memory and it would suck for those women to have to enter a work camp just for hanging out in NK. But on the other hand, I can’t help but think this is a major embarrassment for Hillary. I mean, North Korea just publicly dissed her a little over a week ago (http://daughterofthehumantornado.blogspot.com/2009/07/awww-snap.html). I’m a huge fan of Ms. Clinton and I’m confident in her abilities, thus my concern is that this leaves her open to critics suggesting that she’s sending her husband in to clean up her mess. Hillary is totally capable of doing her job herself. I know that President Clinton is trying to help but I don’t think he thought it out beforehand.

Pay no attention to the bomb behind the curtain

When news broke on around the 23rd about Myanmar’s commitment to enforce the U.N. sanctions against North Korea, I remember getting a little excited. I thought to myself ‘Man, if Than Shwe is publicly acknowledging that you’re a dick, it may be time to put on a little Man in the Mirror and self-reflect’. But deep down I was, understandably, a bit skeptical. Turns out that, deep down, I was right.

WASHINGTON — The United States expressed concern on Monday over news reports that North Korea may be helping the Burmese military regime to achieve its nuclear ambitions. “It is an issue of concern and it is an issue that we continue to focus on intensively,” the assistant secretary of state for public affairs, Philip J Crowley, told reporters at the State Department headquarters. Although he refrained from making any comment on the alleged underground nuclear facility being developed by North Korea inside Burma, Crowley said the US was concerned about “the nature of cooperation between North Korea and Burma.” “We do have concerns about the nature of cooperation between both Burma and North Korea, and North Korea and any other country. As the Secretary [of State Hillary Clinton] did during her recent trip, she argued quite forcefully that all countries have responsibilities regarding the UN sanctions and we are [working] hard at implementing them,” Crowley said. “I think over time, we would like to clarify with Burma more precisely the nature of its military cooperation,” he said. “The Secretary was encouraged that Burma said that it would abide by its responsibilities under the sanctions that were recently passed by the UN, and we will be looking to see them implement those sanctions,” Crowley said. [Source: http://www.irrawaddy.org/].

This is what sucks about global politics. There is no way to overemphasize the importance of conversation and understanding in world affairs, but every so often you come across dicks that just won’t play fair. It’s moments like this when otherwise rational people buy Toby Keith albums.

Bad news for blonde women and waiters

A Nevada court is hearing a plea today to release O.J. Simpson from prison. I guess breast milk isn't the only breakfast beverage tainted with Teflon.

LAS VEGAS — A trio of Nevada Supreme Court justices is considering whether to let O.J. Simpson and a former golfing buddy out of prison while the full court reviews their convictions or a gunpoint hotel room heist.Justice Michael Cherry didn't say at the end of a hearing Monday how long it will take for the three-member panel to rule on whether the former football star and convicted co-defendant Clarence "C.J." Stewart should be allowed to post bond. [Source: foxnews.com].

It would appear that you can't keep Norberg down for long. Which is weird. Because I'm pretty sure he had to give all of his money to the families of those people he killed. No I will not write acquitted or allegedly.

China still setting gold standard for manufacturing

It’s China sucks day here at DOTHT. This next story is about chemical leaks from a factory poisoning people nearby. On the brightside though, it still beats dying of the plague.

Hundreds of residents near a Chinese chemical plant have been found to have high levels of a dangerous metal in their bodies, after a series of leaks.[Ed. Note: I'll call Erin Brockovich]. Thirty-three of them were admitted to hospitals in Hunan province over the weekend with cadmium poisoning, the official Xinhua news agency reported. Production at the Changsha Xianghe plant in Liuyang stopped earlier this year, shortly before two people died. Cadmium can damage the liver, kidneys, lungs, nervous system and brain. Compounds containing the highly toxic metal, which is used in batteries, are also carcinogenic. [Source: bbc.co.uk].

So liver, kidney, respiratory, and neurological diseases and cancer. That's all? They made it sound serious. This is why I was concerned when the US started importing condoms from China. I'm not sold on the idea of contracting lead-poisoning vaginally.

China welcomes arrival of 14th century Europe.

Well, their diseases anyway. Yes it seems that a tiny town in rural China has been hit by an outbreak of pneumonic plague. Yes, a version of the plague that leveled Europe in the 1300s. Yes, apparently you can still catch that.

An outbreak of pneumonic plague has killed two people in China and forced the lockdown of a remote town of 10,000 to halt the further spread of one of the world’s deadliest and most contagious diseases. The first victim, a 32-year-old herdsman, fell ill a day after burying his dog, which had died suddenly. Two days later the man was dead and friends and relatives attended his funeral in the ethnically Tibetan region of Ziketan in western Qinghai province. Of those mourners, 11 soon fell ill. One man, 37-year-old Danzin, a neighbour of the first victim, died on Sunday. Investigating the disease that had infected so many people so quickly, medical authorities soon established that all were infected with pneumonic plague. Those infected were undergoing treatment in isolation in a local Tibetan hospital while all 10,000 residents of Ziketan were placed in quarantine to try to halt the spread of one of the deadliest diseases in history. Pneumonic plague is spread through the air and can be passed from person to person through coughing, according to the World Health Organisation (WHO). It is caused by the same bacteria that occurs in bubonic plague — the Black Death that killed an estimated 25 million people in Europe during the Middle Ages. The WHO said that it was not unduly concerned by the outbreak. Beijing-based spokeswoman Vivian Tan said: “This is not new. There have been
sporadic cases reported over the years. We're not surprised that it's come up. We're in constant contact with the authorities to make sure things are under control." [Source: http://www.timesonline.co.uk/].

I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right. It is SUPER weird that China would seem unconcerned about Tebetans dying of the plague. If you were wondering why the WHO is unconcerned, there are actually cures for the plague (Americans in the Midwest contract it fairly often from their cats who contract it from Prairie dogs). It’s very treatable these days as we’ve had 700 years to develop medicines. If you’re wondering why China isn’t using the cure to treat more of these villagers in a timelier fashion, I remind you the diseased are Tibetans. If you don’t know what that statement means or what I meant by the beginning of this paragraph, email Richard Gere, I’ve got shit to do.

I'd sue my travel agent

I’m off to a late start this morning because I’m still mentally on vacation. So what better story to begin with than the story of a vacation gone awry?

Swiss diplomats are trying to meet with three American hikers being held in Iran, the Swiss Embassy in Tehran said Monday. The embassy would not say whether Iranian authorities had responded to their request or if diplomats had met the Americans. Four American friends -- seasoned travelers -- were hiking through Iraq's Kurdistan region last week before three of them crossed the unmarked border with Iran, where Iranian authorities detained them. Kurdish officials identified the hikers as Shane Bauer, Sarah Shourd and Joshua Fattal, CNN confirmed Sunday. The fourth hiker, Shon Meckfessel, stayed behind in Iraq. "My husband and I are eager for the best welfare and conditions for our son, Josh, and for the other two companions he's with," Laura Fattal of Elkins Park, Pennsylvania, told CNN Radio. "And that is our only concern, his welfare and the best conditions for him." Meckfessel, a graduate student at the University of Washington, was identified by his grandmother, who told CNN that he stayed behind because he felt sick. Meckfessel met with a consular official at the U.S. Embassy in Baghdad, the embassy said. "My grandson has asked me not to talk to the media," said Irene Meckfessel of Carmichael, California, before hanging up Saturday. Meckfessel is in the final year of a two-year program called MATESOL, or Masters of Arts in Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages, according to the university. Iran's state-run media reported that Iranian security forces arrested the three Americans on Friday on charges of illegally entering the country from Iraq's Kurdistan region and that the matter is under investigation. The United States and Iran do not have diplomatic relations, and Switzerland represents U.S. diplomatic interests in Iran, which is why the Swiss are trying to meet the detainees. Friends of the travelers said that the trio have spent time or have lived in Western Europe and the Middle East. [Source: cnn.com]

I’m having a little trouble wrapping my mind around the idea that four kids sat around one day and brainstormed vacation ideas and came up with war-torn Iraq for their nature walk. I don't mean to be a dick here, or suggest that these kids deserve to face Iranian firing squads, but *cough* social Darwinism *cough*

I'm back baby

Imagine my surprise upon returning from my latest vacation to find two, yes two, emails asking why I hadn't posted anything in a week. In my defense, I earnestly believed no one was reading this. To those two fans, I apologize. I promise not to be so insensitive next time.

NY Times writer fears skynet

I often remark to disinterested Best Buy employees about my laziness being outweighed by my fear of a sentient Roomba sucking the air out of my lungs as I sleep at night. But I had always imagined that my fear of robot uprising (as documented here http://daughterofthehumantornado.blogspot.com/2009/07/sweet-fucking-god-why.html) was baseless science-fiction driven paranoia. Well, today the New York Times has an article asserting that actual scientists fear murderous self-aware technology. My therapist is gonna be pissed.

Impressed and alarmed by advances in artificial intelligence, a group of computer scientists is debating whether there should be limits on research that might lead to loss of human control over computer-based systems that carry a growing share of society’s workload, from waging war to chatting with customers on the phone. Their concern is that further advances could create profound social disruptions and even have dangerous consequences. As examples, the scientists pointed to a number of technologies as diverse as experimental medical systems that interact with patients to simulate empathy, and computer worms and viruses that defy extermination and could thus be said to have reached a “cockroach” stage of machine intelligence. While the computer scientists agreed that we are a long way from Hal, the computer that took over the spaceship in “2001: A Space Odyssey,” they said there was legitimate concern that technological progress would transform the work force by destroying a widening range of jobs, as well as force humans to learn to live with machines that increasingly copy human behaviors. [Source: nytimes.com]

Eh, I’m not terribly worried. After all, we have E.M.P.s. Unless the E.M.P.s become sentient, or the machines can find a way to change launch codes. I have to imagine that we’d have enough warning, though. To really be a threat, all the world’s machines would have to organize a là Maximum Overdrive and as of yet, magical alien comet technology is not that advanced.

Link to the whole article here: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/26/science/26robot.html?_r=1&WT.mc_id=fb_nyt413&WT.mc_ev=click

Armstrong pulls a Favre

Lance Armstrong retired from racing in 2005 after winning an amazing, record-breaking seven Tour de France titles. This was made even more remarkable given that he had overcome testicular cancer before winning the race. His legacy was sealed. He was free to spend the rest of his days making movie cameos and relaxing on exotic beaches knowing that he went out as champion. Or that’s what would have happened if he hadn’t gotten bored and gone all Favrey on us.

(CBS) For the past 3 weeks, Lance Armstrong looked as if he might pedal his way to a new record of eight Tour de France wins in a decisive comeback after his battle with testicular cancer. But as the leaders sprinted up the Champs Elysees in Paris on Sunday, it was Armstrong's teammate Alberto Contador who took first place, reports CBS News correspondent Elizabeth Palmer. Armstrong finished in third place, crossing the finish line more than five minutes after Contador. The American cyclist, now 37 years old, says he's still proud of the result. "Hey, I can't complain. For an old fart coming in here and getting on the podium with these young guys - not so bad," Armstrong said. [Souce: cbsnews.com].

Why go out at the top of your game when you can come back years into retirement and ruin your stellar record by losing? Am I right? No? Personally, I blame Stallone. If not for Rocky Balboa, maybe ageing sports stars would be content putting their glory days behind them and enjoying the status of retired legend. FYI, Armstrong is going to compete again next year.

Embarrassing or sexy?

We didn’t have any metro on Friday, so I felt it appropriate to make it the first post today. What have you got for me, world’s weirdest news site?

They've already tried making frogs get married - now drought-hit Indian farmers are turning to naked women for help. Farmers in the eastern Indian state of Bihar have asked their unmarried daughters to plough parched fields naked, in a bid to embarrass the weather gods to bring some badly needed monsoon rain. Witnesses said the naked girls in Bihar state ploughed the fields and chanted ancient hymns after sunset to invoke the gods. The witnesses also said that elderly village women helped the girls drag the ploughs [Ed. Note: The elderly chicks were clothed though, right? *shudder* Cause it seems like naked old chicks would anger most gods]. 'They believe their acts would get the weather gods badly embarrassed, who in turn would ensure bumper crops by sending rains,' Upendra Kumar, a village council official, said from Bihar's remote Banke Bazaar town. 'This is the most trusted social custom in the area and the villagers have vowed to continue this practice until it rains very heavily.' India this year suffered its worst start to the vital monsoon rains in eight decades, causing drought in some states. Earlier this week, farmers in West Bengal state held a marriage ceremony for frogs, in another attempt to make the rains come. [Source: metro.co.uk]

I wanted to say “well I get the frog-marriage, but why naked chicks?”, but honestly, I’m not sure I entirely get the frog-marriage. For the record, if any of you read the above and thought ‘dude, I wish I lived in India right now’, I feel I must remind you that – despite a lack of naked farmhands – you’re pretty lucky to live in a place where ‘lack of rain’ does not equate to ‘slow death by starvation’. Also, I hate you. In related news, other religions are so weird. Now if you’ll excuse me, I shamelessly admired my neighbor’s umbrella this morning. I’m gonna grab my beaded necklace and chant for the next forty minutes to repent.

Cop's version of events still makes him look like douche

Msnbc has offered the rebuttal to Dr. Gates' account of events on the night the respected Harvard professor (and physically enfeebled short guy) was arrested for disorderly conduct after calling police officers racist when they harassed him in his own home. Lets see what the arresting officer has to say.

Responding to the call, Crowley said he encountered Gates at his front door. “I asked him if he would step outside and speak with me, and he said, ‘No, I will not,’ and again words to the effect of ‘What's this about?’ ” Crowley said. “And I said, ‘I’m Sergeant Crowley from the Cambridge Police Department. I’m investigating a break-in in progress.’ And he responded, ‘Why? Because I’m a black man in America?’ in a very agitated tone, and again I thought that was a little strange.” Gates is 5-foot-7 and navigates with the aid of a cane, and Crowley said he did not fit the profile of a burglar. “His appearance did lead me to believe maybe this wasn't your typical breaking-and-entering type person experience, however, that response from him was a little strange; uncommon in my experience,” Crowley said. [Source: msnbs.msn.com]

I'll be honest, as a "whitey", I was really hoping this wasn't going to end up being such an overt case of racism. I was really hoping that the officer might have some magical explanation as to why he harrassed and arrested an old black man in his New England home. But, sadly, no dice. Not one Goddamned thing the officer says there justifies arresting Gates. It's like if someone were to come to my house, bang on the door and tell me they were investigating mafia activity in the neighborhood. 'Why are you at my house?' I would ask 'Because I'm italian? What do you think all Italian people are in the mafia. Fuck you sir.' Except I would have slammed the door in his face. Even worse is that this has now become President Obama's headache as the Cambridge police department and assorted jackasses from around the country *cough* fox news *cough* are making a big deal out of the fact that, at his press conference on Wednesday (which was supposed to be about healthcare reform by the way) the president said that the police acted "stupidly". The minute the word left his lips, people around the country with more hysteria than brains collectively crapped their pants. They misquoted him and suggested that his comments were going to make it difficult for police to interract with minorities. Like we're all living in a real-life Do The Right Thing (I guess Obama is Radio Raheem, the cop is Salvatore, and I'm the asian guy that doesn't like mexicans in my convenience store...or something...I haven't seen the movie in a while).

Oh people, people, people. "Stupidly" does not mean "stupid" and, to be fair, burglars rarely answer the door mid-crime. Nor do they typically decorate crime scenes with photos of themselves. I always support the police, but COME ON, how can you argue that this is not fucking ridiculous?

I bet Rowdy Roddy Piper is hoping this won't set precedent

China stunned the world today by acting completely contrary to their level-headed, liberal-minded character. Haha, just kidding, China sucks. So what did they do? Why they sentenced a man to death for drunk driving. Sucks to be you, dude.

The 30-year-old man was found guilty of endangering public safety and sentenced to death yesterday. He was reportedly drunk and speeding in the capital of Sichuan province [Ed. Note: I like their beef] last year when he struck four other cars. Four people were killed and another person was seriously injured. He was also driving without a license. [Source: foxnews.com].

To be fair, the guy killed a bunch of people so it's not too ridiculous that he was sentenced to death. It's not like they kill all drunk drivers over there. Probably. I mean, I don't know for sure. What do I look like the Cambridge University Press? Can you imagine if we put drunk drivers to death here in the States? People like Linday Lohan, Nicole Ritchie, Paris Hilton - they'd all be dead right now (or awaiting death in a maximum security prison). Huh. Maybe China's on to something.

Democracy expected to be pwned next week

You know, for a country that is supposed to be heavily influenced by Buddhism, the Union of Myanmar, or Burma to most, sure is populated by a lot of violent dicks. Most of whom run the country. They've recently put a popular pro-democracy activist on trial for the weirdest bogus charges ever and, as you can imagine the trial is going really well. In fact many hope this will serve as an archetype for justice systems around the world.

Lawyers for Burmese pro-democracy leader Aung San Suu Kyi have presented closing arguments, as her trial in a Rangoon prison neared its end. Ms Suu Kyi is accused of violating the terms of her house arrest in May, after a US man swam to her lakeside home. [Ed. Note: Yep, that's a condition of House Arrest. It's towards the back of the charter.] If convicted she faces up to five years in jail. The trial has been widely condemned as a ploy to keep her in custody until after elections in 2010. The prosecution will make its closing arguments on 27 July, officials say. Ms Suu Kyi, 64, has spent nearly 14 of the last 20 years in detention, much of it at her Rangoon home. Polls are planned by the military government for some time next year. Ms Suu Kyi's National League for Democracy won the last elections in 1988 but was never allowed to take power....Her lawyers have argued that the law she has been charged under is part of a constitution abolished 25 years ago...It is not clear when a verdict is expected. Only two witnesses have been allowed to testify for the defence. Twenty-three prosecution witnesses were approved, of whom 14 have testified[Ed. Note: Tough but fair]. [Source: bbc.co.uk]

The article goes on to say that foreign diplomats and defense witnesses were allowed in court in order to stem the tide of international complaints of injustice, but that she will still be found guilty. Also, the military government fears the impact the trial of the popular pro-democracy icon will have on their upcoming "election", but they're just going to steal it anyway so why do they give a shit? Why the show? Someone's been taking foreign PR lessons from Russia.

Poor people to be made slightly less poor

I will not be using block quote here because I'd like you to read the entire article. It comes to us from cnn.com and I thought is was fairly well balanced, though brief and over-simplified (kinda like the way you make love). It will be followed by my unaccredited opinion.

http://money.cnn.com/2009/07/24/news/economy/minimum_wage/index.htm

I am in support of raising the minimum wage. As cost of living goes up, so should paychecks. It’s pretty fucking simple. And $7/ hr is not a lot of money. Most people who earn minimum wage aren’t even given 40 hours in the work week (lack of education or specialized skills leave them vulnerable to employers who would rather hire more non-skilled workers than pay benefits to those they have). I am working as a temp while I slack off for a year before medschool and I earn $10/ hr. I live in Pittsburgh, which has been gaining national recognition recently for being one of the most livable cities in the country. And you know what? I can’t pay rent. I stay with my mom because, between student loan bills, car payments, gas and food expenses, my paycheck is gone as soon as it comes. Concerns over layoffs are moronic. These are again (and not to be insulting to those people working these jobs) unskilled labor positions. Nearly every fast food restaurant and Walmart within a ten-mile radius of my home has a “Help Wanted” sign hanging in the window (The economic downturn has led to a boom for discount wholesalers and fast food joints). And even if people will have to lose their jobs in order for employers to make ends meet, they’re not likely to liquidate the desperate workforce. By that I mean that a large number of minimum wage jobs are populated by teenagers working after-school or summer jobs in order to supplement their allowances or save up for a car. It is more likely that an employer would let them go, rather than those at whom these laws are targeted.

Naturally, as I can only presume it did last time we raised the min. wage, the CNN message boards lit up with idiots claiming “Welfare for everyone” (that…well, that simply doesn’t make sense) and “people who do these sorts of jobs deserve more money, but they are generally the person who put themselves in that position in the first place” (Interesting. I wonder where you grew up, what kind of education you were afforded, who paid for said education and also, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!). My personal favorite was “I’m gonna have to fire someone tomorrow when this goes into effect” (Here’s a tip, dude, if your profit margins are so thin that you can’t boost your workers’ paychecks by a dollar an hour, you are in no way qualified to sit at the table during a discussion of economics). This was evenly matched by hippies saying that keeping the minimum wage as it is would be tantamount to reenacting child labor laws and that neocons want to dispand OSHA. UGH. Thankfully, the messages were broken up by the following:

I'm from Canada, where the minimum wage has been going up 75 cents a year for about five years and even the lowest of the low make about $9 an hour now. We have seen employment and consumption spending rise simultaneously. I think if the U.S. can do something crazy such as elect an African-American, it can also have the audacity to enact legislation to give its poorest workers a few extra dollars.
- Tyler J. Turek

Congratulations Americans you just got intellectually pwned by a Canadian. Are you proud of yourselves? Cause I’m not.

British couple killed by irony, lack of food

A British couple known for their extravagent (stolen) yacht setting lifestyle who were found dead and badly decomposed in their stolen yacht adrift off the coast twelve miles from Dakar, Senegal in September are now believed to have died of starvation. What? What's wrong with "yacht-setting"? I would have said "jet setting" but they weren't stealing jets, they were stealing yachts. It wasn't supposed to be funny. You know what? Fuck you guys. I've been sitting here for six hours. Just read the damn block quote and leave me to my minesweeper.

A couple who stole a yacht and set sail around the world to escape police were found after they apparently starved to death drifitng off the coast of Africa, an inquest heard yesterday. The story of their slow, agonising death was detailed in a vivid diary found on board written by the couple as they came to terms with a certain death. Peter Clarke, 49, and Sharon Arthurs-Chegini, 46, had enjoyed a 'champagne and cocaine' lifestyle beyond their means and stole the yacht they died on after skipping bail for a previous boat theft. It is thought their vessel suffered damage in a storm and that Mr Clarke became bedridden as they tried to survive by drinking sea water and urine...The mother-of-three also wrote: 'We have been bashed about for days. Peter is collapsed in bed. I have been unable to get to him. 'Everything takes huge amounts of energy, having consumed no water yesterday. 'My heart and love goes out to my daughters and to my immediate family.' [Source: dailymail.co.uk]

Just another one of those 'couple steals boat to live extravagant caviar and champagne lifestyle only to end up drinking their own pee and starving to death' stories you hear so much about. Almost a tragic cliché, really.

Ed. Note: This story refers to, of course, the incongruity/literary kind of irony, not the literal-opposite kind (I'm sick of your emails).

Misleading foxnews headline claims babies understand dogs

I don't really know what I expected when I opened the article entitled "Babies Can Understand Dogs, study finds" on Foxnews.com, but it sure as hell wasn't what I got.

The results suggest both 6-month-olds and babies up to 2 years old could distinguish a rowdy bark from a benign one. But the older babies just showed their correct responses differently than the 6-month-olds. Past research in the field of baby smarts has relied on the proportion of time a baby looks in a certain direction or the proportion of time he or she exhibits some other signal of response to show a baby's skills in distinguishing facial expressions or intonations in speech patterns.These studies have suggested that while 6-month-olds are experts in verbal and facial perception even when it comes to monkeys, as they get older they lose this ability.The idea is that babies are born with a full toolbox of broad abilities. Over time, as they experience the world, the toddlers refine their abilities and focus on what's really relevant, say, human faces rather than monkey or dog mugs. But according to the new results, perhaps the little ones don't lose the ability, Flom said. They just show it differently. So instead of calculating the time spent looking in a certain direction, researchers could take into account a baby's first glance, he added. [Source: Foxnews.com]

So there you have it, babies can tell audibly when a dog is pissed. Fascinating. Just out of curiosity, how much did this study cost? What am I saying. Who cares for valuble info like this. I mean, we've already taken care of those pesky AIDS and Cancer things, so why not use the best minds in the country and thousands in grant money showing babies pictures of dogs? What's that? We haven't? I see...

Sorry, I'm having a bit of a grumpy day.

Awww snap!

Speaking in Thailand at an Asian regional forum, Hillary Clinton asserted that North Korea had little recourse than to halt its nuclear program as its former supporters are turning their backs on the angry little nation. Days after long-time NK ally Burma (who just allegedly received illegal arms from NK) agreed to implement the new UN resolution calling for sanctions. Secretary of State Clinton had the following to say:

"The United States and its allies and partners cannot accept a North Korea that tries to maintain nuclear weapons, to launch ballistic missiles or to proliferate nuclear materials," Mrs Clinton said in Phuket. "And we are committed to the verifiable denuclearisation of the Korean peninsula in a peaceful manner.""There is no place to go for North Korea; they have no friends left that will protect them from the international community's efforts to move towards denuclearisation."

But North Korea aint gonna take no shit from no lady, ya heard…

Separately, a spokesman in Pyongyang described Mrs Clinton as a "funny lady" -responding to her comments that North Korea's behaviour was that of an unruly child. "Her words suggest that she is by no means intelligent," the spokesman said, quoted by state news agency KCNA. "Sometimes she looks like a primary schoolgirl and sometimes a pensioner going shopping. Anyone making misstatements has to pay for them." [Source: bbc.co.uk]

Snizap! Lets check with the international judges and...YES, that was indeed a burn!

Hey yeah, that's a totally reasonable reaction

In sweet-fucking-God-the-perpetrators-are-inhuman news, a woman in London has been placed in protective custody after family members and friends attacked her adulterous lover with...wait for it...acid. Jesus. From The Daily Mail...

A married Muslim woman has been warned by police that she could be murdered after her lover was attacked with sulphuric acid.The 24-year-old Muslim man had the acid poured down his throat and was stabbed and beaten with bricks by four men.He is not expected to live after suffering 90 per cent burns in the London attack, which blinded him and left his tongue destroyed. The Danish victim, who is of Asian origin, is said to have ‘insulted’ her strictly religious relatives, which includes women who wear the hijab. Detectives believe the family feared being shamed in the community. Police are said to be discussing how best to protect the woman...Community leader Imtiaz Qadir, of the Active Change Foundation, said: ‘Honour crime happens a lot in our community, especially the Pakistani community, but we do try to educate the people. ‘It's a cultural thing from back home. But this type of horrible crime is not exclusive just to Muslims, there have been cases in other religions'...The perceived ‘dishonour’ is normally down to ‘unacceptable’ dress codes [Ed. Note: Those shoes don't go with that purse! Burn her!] or engaging in certain sexual acts or adulterous behaviour. The killings result from the perception that the defence of honour justifies the death of a person whose behaviour dishonours their clan or family. A Home Office and police study found thousands more honour crimes including an estimated 400 forced marriages each year. According to the United Nations Population Fund, the annual worldwide total of honour killing victims may be as high as 5,000. [Source: dailymail.co.uk]

Jesus Christ, man. Can't you just stab him or hit him with your car or something? On a related note, where does one get sulfuric acid? Can you just Amazon.com that shit or something?
If you want to read the eyewitness accounts that I did not include here because they were brutal and this block quote is already nine pages long, I've included the link to the specific story below. If you're into that sort of thing. Sicko...
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1201625/Cheating-wife-face-honour-killing-acid-poured-lovers-throat.html

"Republic of China" also loves justice

A twenty-five year old Chinese man working at an Apple factory in Taiwan killed himself yesterday admid an investigation as to whether or not he stole one of the prototypes for the new iPhone. I know what you're thinking, but no, this was not one of those weird Asian honor suicide thingys. Why would you even say something like that? Jesus Christ you're a racist.

Sun Danyong was 25. He threw himself off a 12-storey building last week. He worked for Foxconn in the southern city of Shenzhen and was responsible for shipping 16 iPhone prototypes to Apple. One went missing. Sun reported the loss, and the company launched an investigation. Three days later the worker jumped to his death. Sun's former classmates have told Chinese newspapers that during that investigation he was beaten, his house was searched and he was locked up in a room alone. They say he described the experience in an online chat with them as one of the most humiliating experiences of his life. [Ed. Note: Frownie face emotocons EVERYWHERE]. Foxconn says it has suspended its chief of security. [Source: bbc.co.uk]

Say what you will about this company's security force but you can't deny they get results. Whether or not those are desired or in any way just is not the point.

Lebanon fighting the good fight?

Some people find this suspicious, due to the fact that the US and many of its allies list Hezbollah (or at least parts of Hezbollah), a powerful force in Lebanese politics and society, as a terrorist organization, but the Lebanese government announced today that they have arrested ten men believed to be part of a plot to attack UN forces in the country. So kudos to you, Lebanon!

The Lebanese army says it has broken up a cell of militant Islamists who had allegedly planned to attack soldiers and UN peacekeepers in south Lebanon. An army official said the men were part of "a terrorist network linked to al-Qaeda", and were a cell the army had long been trying to capture. The men have been accused of smuggling fighters into Lebanon, and plotting attacks outside and inside the country. Most of the suspects were not Lebanese but came from Arab states. An army statement said the suspects had been planning to smuggle terrorists out of Ain al-Helweh, the largest of Lebanon's 12 Palestinian refugee camps.The army said the network had also been plotting to bring militants from the extremist jihadi Fatah al-Islam group into the camp, near the southern coastal town of Sidon. The aim, said the army statement, was "to carry out attacks from Lebanon on targets abroad and create terrorist cells to monitor Unifil and the army in order to carry out terrorist attacks on them". [Source: bbc.co.uk]

Two of my closer friends from Italy are native Lebanese and wonderful men. They returned to Lebanon shortly after I returned to the US. I remember one day I went to leave one of them a message on Facebook and his sister had posted a picture of a guy stomping on an Israeli flag while another Israeli flag burned in the background. This is understandable due to the fact that Israel invaded Lebanon in the late seventies, also the Israeli occupation during the Lebanese civil war, and the fact that they only officially got rid of the Israelis last year. Still, I couldn’t help but wonder if viewing that picture alone was enough to put me on a government watch list. They’re watching us, you know. That’s what the hippies keep telling me. Why no, I don’t remember what my point was. What do I look like, a professional or something?

Your daily metro

God I love metro.co.uk. I sincerely wish I worked there. Anyway, today they’ve given me the gift of one of the world’s greatest police-competency stories since that video of the DEA guy shooting himself hit the web. I can feel the schadenfreude bubbling up…

In a triumph of covert police work, undercover officers in North Carolina arrested another undercover officer from a different force after buying drugs off him. The entirely drug dealer-free drug deal occurred when undercover officers from the Statesville Police Department met a man interested in selling them some marijuana. The man was an undercover deputy from Iredell County Sheriff's Office. Statesville is the county seat of Iredell county. [Source: metro.co.uk]

What is there left to say? Southern cops are hilarious when they’re not hate-crimin’.

Holy fucking shit! The Airforce blows

I complain A LOT about medical malpractice lawsuits in the United States. It’s the main reason that I hate most attorneys. People don’t seem to understand that doctors are human beings NOT GODS. They are specially trained and will do their best, but are not infallible. While it is difficult when someone you love is hurt or killed by a medical mistake, bankrupting a physician who has saved countless other lives is absurd. That being said, I am a supporter of suing doctors when the “mistake” is a clear-cut case of negligence – like being drunk on the job, or whatever the hell is wrong with you that a simple laparoscopic gallbladder removal results in THE LOSS OF SOMEONE’S FUCKING LEGS!!!!!

A Texas Airman stationed at an Air Force Base near Sacramento, Calif. has lost both legs after surgeons reportedly botched a routine surgery to remove his gallbladder. Colton Read, 20, underwent laproscopic surgery last week at David Grant Medical Center at Travis Air Force Base near Sacramento. Laproscopic surgery is a minimally invasive procedure that involves making a tiny incision to minimize pain and speed recovery time. About an hour into the surgery, something went wrong. Read's wife Jessica told CBS11TV.com. "A nurse runs out, 'we need blood now' and she rounds the corner and my gut feelings is 'oh my God, is that my husband?'" Jessica Read said. Read's wife said an Air Force general surgeon mistakenly cut her husband's aortic valve, which supplies blood to the heart, but waited hours to transport Colton Read to a state hospital with a vascular surgeon. Read, who is still in intensive care, lost both legs as a result of the blood loss. Meanwhile, his gallbladder still has not been removed. Jessica Read said the doctor admitted his mistake, but under federal law the Reads cannot sue. The future of Colton Read's career is now uncertain, FOX 40 in Sacramento reported. Jessica Read told FOX 40 she is appalled that the Air Force is even considering medical retirement or medical discharge while Airman Read is incapable of making any type of decision. She said he is not 100 percent lucid and is still heavily medicated. The Air Force is conducting a review of the case using outside experts. [Source: Foxnews.com]

Jesus Christ, man! Did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too? How do you snip an aortic valve and take the position of “Eh, let’s not rush him to a better-equipped hospital, let’s play it by ear, see what happens if we wait.” While there are situations in which doing too much can hurt the patient, that doesn’t apply for people who are hemorrhaging at an alarming rate. If you didn’t catch it up there, let me draw your attention to the fact that, in one of the few cases in which I actually would condone, nay support, a malpractice lawsuit, the injured party cannot legally sue. That’s right folks, you cannot sue the federal government, thus, you cannot sue any branch of the military, including their half-retarded doctors. So, in addition to losing his legs, he also loses out on any chance of justice. Also, he’s getting fired. “God Bless America. My home, sweet home.”
P.S. I love Foxnews for the line “Meanwhile, his gallbladder still has not been removed.” Way to add insult to injury, doctor.

Gasoline + Taser = Human Torch

I'm feeling especially lazy this week, as I'm being forced to work 11-12 hours each day. Thus, I clicked on the first article I saw on cnn.com this morning. I'll tell you what, it's a good thing none of you are reading this. Anyway, a guy in Australia is being treated for severe burns after he was tased by police and burst into flames.

CNN) -- A man, who doused himself with gasoline and charged at an officer, burst into flames when he was hit with a Taser, police in Australia said Tuesday. "He was carrying a lighter and pouring himself with petrol," said Inspector Bill Munnee with the West Australian Police. "We don't know if the lighter set it off or something from the Taser."Authorities have launched an inquiry into what happened Monday when an officer arrived at the 36-year-old man's house in the remote desert community of Warburton. Police had received a report that the man and some others were sniffing glue, Munnee said. At the sight of the arriving officers, the man ran out of the house with a container of gasoline and a cigarette lighter, police said. When he ignored the officer's command to stop, the officer fired his Taser stun gun -- and the man "caught alight," Munnee said. [Source: cnn.com]

I swear to God this happened in an episode of CSI. Sounds like a copycat to me. They should ban that show down under...and also here...in fact, better ban ALL procedural cop dramas. You know, just to be safe. At any rate, this guy got what he deserved. Sniffing glue? Really? Unless you're fourteen and this is the year 1978, you shouldn't be sniffing glue. That went the way of whip-its and ludes. Man-up and get some meth, pussy.

Remember Bosnia?

The Bosnian civil war took place when I was ten or so when my interests included Barbies, Mortal Kombat (the game, I didn’t actually fight to the misspelled death), and The Simpsons. Couple that with the fact that I am a middle-class American and, naturally, I know nothing about it. After reading this article, however, I am lead to believe it was a civil and humane affair…

Two Bosnian Serb military commanders have been found guilty of war crimes, including burning women and children alive, during the Bosnian civil war. Cousins Milan and Sredoje Lukic were members of a paramilitary group called the White Eagles, or the Avengers. [Ed. Note: Well, which was it?]. They were accused of murder, persecution, extermination and other inhumane acts against Bosnian Muslims near Visegrad between 1992 and 1994. Judges at The Hague jailed Milan Lukic for life, and Sredoje to 30 years. Judge Patrick Robinson, reading his verdict, said: "The perpetration by Milan Lukic and Stredoje Lukic of crimes in this case is characterised [sic.] by a callous and vicious disregard for human life." The burning alive of Muslims, he said, was extraordinarily brutal, and "exemplified the worst acts of humanity that one person may inflict on others". The court ruled that Milan Lukic, the leader of the White Eagles paramilitary force, was the ringleader of the attacks. He herded about 130 women, children and elderly men in to two houses - both in or near the eastern Bosnian town of Visegrad - before setting fire to them. All those who tried to escape were shot. He was also found guilty of murdering 12 Muslim civilian men, and beating Muslims at a detention camp. [Source: bbc.co.uk]

Life in prison? For burning people alive? I hope the Tribunal at least sends them to Bosnian prison. Oh or maybe Turkish. Midnight Express led me to believe that Turkish prison is no party. Still, anywhere that doesn’t include daily rape and extreme torture seems like a miscarriage of justice. *puts on oversized crucifix, grabs M4 Carbine*

Heartwarmingly depressing

In news that will make you want to slit your wrists in a Hallmark Movie sort of way, an eleven-year-old boy from Ohio is selling his toys to help alleviate his family’s debt. Happy Monday, everyone!

Zach McGuire is selling his toys to raise money for his family, which like others across the country, has bills piling up and a home in jeopardy. The youth said the idea came up during a conversation with his father. "You can't live in toys, or eat toys," he told CNN television affiliate WNWO. "Even though they are fun, you don't need them." Zach plans to use the proceeds for a good cause: helping his unemployed father. Tom McGuire, a licensed contractor in Toledo, Ohio, has not had a job since December. The economy is partly to blame, he said, adding that he did a job last summer and never got paid. As the general contractor on the job, he said, he was financially liable for materials and the work of two subcontractors. "I'm out $30,000," McGuire said. The father said he is looking for work and is not relying on money from his son's toy sales. But he appreciates his effort. "Zach has a big, giving heart," McGuire said. "He came to me with this idea. He wants to contribute." [Source: cnn.com].

Thirty grand, huh? I hope those Transformers are made of gold. If not, this is an exercise in very, very sad futility. Makes a great human-interest news piece though, I mean if you’re looking for that final push to get you off the ledge. I’m looking in your direction, Mr. McGuire.

Rural Pakistanis are doing great

In what I hope isn’t an ominous warning about where our struggling economy may someday base-out, cnn.com published a report today on Pakistani citizens selling their own organs for money. Apparently Pakistan is ground-zero for organ trafficking. Kind of like how Istanbul and Bangkok are ground-zero for buying young girls and teenage lady-men, respectively. Isn’t the world a sunny place?

SARGODA, Pakistan (CNN) -- Mohammed Iqbal said he has been told by his landlord to pay up on debts and is left with a choice facing others in this impoverished corner of Pakistan: Sell your children or a kidney. [Ed. Note: I don’t know, dude, you can always have more children, but a kidney…] For the 50-year-old Iqbal, there is only one option. Despite a law passed in late 2007 banning transplants for money, he has decided to sell his kidney and has already been for pre-operation tests. The sale will net him between $1,100 and $1,600. [Ed Note: $1600?!?! Interesting…*begins thoughtfully eyeing plastic butterknife*]. "What's incredible here is the law that bans the operation he's going to go through came into place in 2007," said CNN's Nic Robertson. "He's still able to go to a doctor, the doctors given him advice, that's what he has to do under law... He's going to make money out of it 100,000-150,000 rupees, and that is absolutely illegal. Yet, in just a few days, he's expecting to sell his kidney." Iqbal was not alone in facing this difficult decision. Others in Pakistan's rural heartland have opted to sell their kidneys. One of them was Rab Nawas, who was deep in debt about a year ago to his landlord after borrowing money to pay for his wedding and to cover medical bills for his wife and six children. He, too, faced the choice: sell his children, his wife or a kidney.[Source: cnn.com]

Wow. I cannot believe that. People buy used wives? In all seriousness, though, this is one of the most depressing and fucked up stories I’ve ever read. What the hell is going on over there that lead people to such desperate acts? Oh, right. Nevermind.

Blob of death moving through Alaska

Though I'm pretty sure there's a Palin joke in that headline, I'm going to instead focus on the story at hand. There are unexplained organic blobs meandering through the waters north of the Bering Straight.

It's big, it's black, it's gooey and it may be alive. Giant blobs of thick, oily biological material are floating in the Arctic Ocean's Chukchi Sea north of the Bering Strait, reports the Anchorage Daily News. "It's certainly biological," Coast Guard Petty Officer 1st Class Terry Hasenauer told the newspaper. "It's definitely not an oil product of any kind. It has no characteristics of an oil, or a hazardous substance, for that matter." No one in the North Slope towns of Barrow and Wainwright can recall ever seeing anything like it. Jellyfish and sea birds are getting caught up in the sticky, stinky stuff, which according to one official "has hairy strands on it." "It's definitely, by the smell and the makeup of it, it's some sort of naturally occurring organic or otherwise marine organism," added Hasenauer. [Source: foxnews.com]

If this is how the apocalypse is going to start, I have to condemn God for totally ripping off “The raft” in Creepshow 2.

Not Surprisingly, Chechnya also loves journalism, justice

About a month ago, I did a post about the Russian court's decision to overturn the not-guilty verdict in the Anna Politkovskaya murder trial. Politkovskaya was a Russian journalist who took up the unenviable position of whistle-blower against the Russian authorities, calling international attention to leaders' massive corruption and human rights violations. She, much like anyone else who took up a pen or a microphone against the government, was subsequently killed. After her death, the main human rights activist of note in Russia and Chechnya was Natalia Estemirova, a close friend of Politkovskaya. Oh hey, you'll never guess what just happened...

Natalia Estemirova was abducted and bundled into a van as she left her home in the Chechen capital, Grozny, on Wednesday. Her body was found in neighbouring Ingushetia, with gunshot wounds...The Russian-backed Chechen president, Ramzan Kadyrov, has vowed to hunt down the killers... Ms Estemirova, a fierce Kadyrov critic, was investigating alleged abuses by government-backed militias in Chechnya when she was abducted and shot. Colleagues of Ms Estemirova have blamed Mr Kadyrov's government for her death. But the Chechen leader vowed to bring her killers to justice, describing Ms Estemirova as a "helpless woman". Mr Kadyrov is a controversial figure who has brought relative calm to Chechnya after years of conflict, but human rights groups accuse his militias of widespread abuses. Ms Estemirova's organisation, Memorial, had been investigating hundreds of cases of alleged kidnapping, torture and extra-judicial killings by Russian government troops or militias in Chechnya. [Source:bbc.co.uk]

Leaders in Russia and Chechnya seem to have it in their heads that it’s okay to have someone brutally killed so long as the next day they come out and publicly denounce the murder. Like the rest of the world isn’t going to notice that every journalist that calls them out for human rights violations suspiciously dies. I hope this further devolves to a point at which, when confronted by brass-balled international reporters about the death of a talkative political opponent, the leader in question shoves his hands in his pockets and begins whistling while gently rocking back and forth and avoiding eye contact. I’m pretty sure that’s the only way left to go.

Michael Bay Wet Dream Becomes Reality

There was a major accident on I-75 in Detroit last night (I know, that's how I felt too. Detroit?!?! That quiet, peaceful, well-maintained slice of the American dream?!?!). Though I couldn't reach Michael Bay for comment, I have to imagine he would have said "Kaaabooooomm!", then laughed hysterically and shoved his hand down his velcro-fastened pants.

HAZEL PARK, Mich. — Flames shot hundreds of feet in the air after a gasoline tanker exploded Wednesday night underneath a highway overpass near Detroit. Part of the overpass collapsed onto the interstate below and spilled fuel burned as fire crews doused the road with water. The drivers of the tanker, a semitrailer and a car were taken to a hospital with minor injuries, said Michigan State Police Lt. Shannon Sims. The three men were being interviewed as part of the investigation into how the accident happened...A wrecked, burned tractor-trailer could be seen near the destroyed tanker, which was carrying an estimated 13,000 gallons of fuel. Flames and black, billowing plumes of smoke reached 150 to 200 feet into the air before the fire was extinguished after nearly three hours. [Source: comcast.net]

The good news about this is, no one was hurt and crews should have everything cleared up later today. Also, sources on the scene say that watching the aftermath of this accident was at least three times more entertaining than having to sit through Transformers 2.

Sweet fucking God, why?

In my ceaseless quest to steal from all news websites, regardless of political affiliations, I found myself, once again, at foxnews.com. I thought it would be funny to click on the word "science" on a neoconservative website and...*gasp*...doth my eyes decieve me or have we begun assembling Skynet's foot soldiers?

It could be a combination of 19th-century mechanics, 21st-century technology — and a 20th-century horror movie. A Maryland company under contract to the Pentagon is working on a steam-powered robot that would fuel itself by gobbling up whatever organic material it can find — grass, wood, old furniture, even dead bodies. Robotic Technology Inc.'s Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot — that's right, "EATR" — "can find, ingest, and extract energy from biomass in the environment (and other organically-based energy sources), as well as use conventional and alternative fuels (such as gasoline, heavy fuel, kerosene, diesel, propane, coal, cooking oil, and solar) when suitable," reads the company's Web site. That "biomass" and "other organically-based energy sources" wouldn't necessarily be limited to plant material — animal and human corpses contain plenty of energy, and they'd be plentiful in a war zone. EATR will be powered by the Waste Heat Engine developed by Cyclone Power Technology of Pompano Beach, Fla., which uses an "external combustion chamber" burning up fuel to heat up water in a closed loop, generating electricity. The advantages to the military are that the robot would be extremely flexible in fuel sources and could roam on its own for months, even years, without having to be refueled or serviced. Upon the EATR platform, the Pentagon could build all sorts of things — a transport, an ambulance, a communications center, even a mobile gunship. In press materials, Robotic Technology presents EATR as an essentially benign artificial creature that fills its belly through "foraging," despite the obvious military purpose. [Source: my nightmares...also foxnews.com]

You may have noticed that I published the article in it's entirety. I did that mainly so that each and every one of you can get a handle on what we're dealing with here. Before they become our overlords. Which I have to presume will happen after devouring their first corpse and subsequently developing an insatiable thirst for human flesh. I will say this though, I'm proud to know that the end of humanity will be brought about by American robots. Up until now, all the smart money was on Japan. *Wipes away tear, begins humming Star Spangled Banner*

...in racial stereotypes news

Guh, today sucks. I'm trying to wait until after all is said and done to get into the whole Sotomayer thing and I'm sick of talking about plane crashes. So, I'm gonna go ahead and recommend you take a look at the article from cnn's series "Black in America". Today's topic is how it feels to be an African immigrant in America...

"I have been laughed at because of my accent and asked all the ignorant questions," said iReporter Ajah-Aminata N'daw, 25, of Fall River, Massachusetts. "Questions like: Did I live on a tree? Roam the jungles naked? Have wild animals at home?" [Ed. Note: To be fair, I was drunk and he started talking to me.] ...

Raphael Craig [native American and apparently not a "reader" - Ed.], 17, of Hyattsville, Maryland, said the television misinformed him as well. Before Craig visited [Africa] in 2005 and 2006, he thought of Africans as "half-naked, running around with tigers in the jungle," Craig said, confessing he was unaware tigers roam only Asia. [Ed. Note: I had a similar revelation when attempting to go whale watching in Lake Mead] [Source: cnn.com]

Come on cnn. Let’s not pretend like we only marginalize black people. We have plenty of racism and xenophobia to go around. Have you considered maybe not interviewing total morons?

“Imagine my surprise when I first moved to Italy and encountered no plumbers, no mafia members, and not one single person talking about spicy meat-a-balls.”

This article does serve to demonstrate how alarmingly uneducated Americans are but, to be fair, other countries suck just as much. I can’t tell you how many times I was told that I speak well “for an American”, that I’m physically fit “for an American”, that it’s surprising how logical and polite I am because “you know [I’m] an American”. Some Europeans practically crapped their pants when I didn’t enter a room wearing an American flag “don’t tread on me” t-shirt, cowboy hat, and carrying a ten-gauge.

Missing hiker found, has great relationship with dad

I wanted to post this article this morning because I thought it would be happy. It seems that every morning when I wake up and check the news sites I see plane crashes, suicide bombings, and coups and I was excited this morning to see an article that was not about death and destruction, without my having to go to metro.co.uk and talk about vagina weightlifting or elephant butt moisturizers. It's a story at the bbcnews website about a 19-year-old british hiker who was lost in the Australian wilderness for twelve days. He was barely alive when found but he was alive. His family must be overjoyed, right?

Mr Neale's father, Richard Cass, who flew to Australia to join the search, was reunited with his son, who he said looked "gaunt and scratched". Mr Cass told
Australian newspaper, The Age: "The millions that have been spent on this search, the man hours that have gone into it... all because he goes out on a walk without his mobile phone."The only teenager in the world who goes on a 10-mile hike and leaves his mobile phone behind.'' Speaking at a press conference he admitted that he had "lost faith". "I made a little shrine for him," he said. "I defaced your national park with his name and date of birth - he's going to come back and see his gravestone." [Source: bbc.co.uk]

Most people would lay off the kid for forgetting his phone, given that he's currently being treated in a hospital for massive exposure and dehydration. But most people aren't Richard Cass.

“Aren’t you gonna help us, Richard?”

“I am helping, I’m carving the little bastard’s tombstone.”

Father of the year anyone?

People still listening to Sarah Palin

In what intelligent analysts are calling “a mystifying decision”, editors at the Washington Post published an op-ed piece by the Jessica Simpson of the political world, Sarah Palin, in which she trashes President Obama’s energy plan. Unfortunately for me (and the nation’s collective IQ), relevant* media outlets have decided to pick up the story…well…foxnews did, anyway.

In an op-ed piece in Tuesday's Washington Post, Palin attacks the administration's so-called cap-and-trade plan that would allow industrial sources to buy and sell pollution permits. The plan, Palin writes, is "an enormous threat to our economy. It would undermine our recovery over the short term and would inflict permanent damage." She adds: "In addition to immediately increasing unemployment in the energy sector, even more American jobs will be threatened by the rising cost of doing business under the cap-and-tax plan."Instead, the former Republican vice presidential nominee says: "We are ripe for economic growth and energy independence if we responsibly tap the resources that God created right underfoot on American soil. Just as important, we have more desire and ability to protect the environment than any foreign nation from which we purchase energy today." [Source: Foxnews.com]

I have only once in the last year and a half read something that woman said without emitting an exacerbated sigh.** Weird, a neocon that wants to drill for oil and fight against a higher environmental standard? Huh, I never thought I’d see the day. The only reason I posted this is because of an ongoing sense of fascination/disgust I feel over the fact that ANYONE CONSIDERS HER RELEVANT. A few weeks ago I joked that Paul Anka’s “Just don’t look” song from The Simpsons wouldn’t work in dealing with North Korea. It WILL work here. This woman is not a great political mind, she’s a power-hungry moron. Stop talking to her, stop talking about her and she will go away. She is simply a celebrity. Celebrities have to create themselves as brands and tirelessly promote them. If you don’t buy it, eventually she will fade away. Thus, from this moment, I will no longer talk about this woman.

*I should note that I’m considering relevance here as being based on the relevance of the medium – print journalism versus internet and television journalism – and not taking a shot at the Post itself, which I regularly read and encourage you to as well.
**Her comments about considering an abortion when she got the amniocentesis on her son was powerful and a rare moment of honesty from this lying, manipulative hussy.

Mexico seems relaxing

Reason number 1,763,491 that I do not want to go to mexico (reason 1,763490 was when they found the ice-box heads) -

(CNN) -- Twelve to 15 bodies showing signs of torture were found on the side of a remote highway in the Mexican state of Michoacan, the state attorney general's office told CNN en Español. Authorities were still arriving at the scene Monday evening to verify the exact body count, officials said. The discovery follows coordinated attacks in at least eight cities in Michoacan that killed three federal police officers and two soldiers Saturday in what officials called an unprecedented onslaught by drug gangs. The bodies found Monday were in the same place where four bodies showing signs of torture were dumped in June, the Universal newspaper reported. [Source:cnn.com]

First of all, let me applaud the mexican police for doing something other than beating up and extorting money from drunken frat assholes on spring break. Not that I'm against that mind you. I think anyone seen in a puca-shell necklace or smelling like an Axe product should automatically be assaulted on doucheyness alone. Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, Mexico's decline into something out of the Book of Eli. This is a bad time to find oneself in the midst of a social apocalypse. America can't help you right now. We've got way too much of our own to deal with - the failing economy, multiple wars, the VH1 reality show lineup - I'd say hold off on the no holds barred drug wars until we get our shit together. Otherwise, you're on your own and...well...no offense, but...you're MEXICO.

British kid gets Augustus Glooped in Thailand

Sweet fucking God! This is one of the most upsetting things that I've read since I saw Lauren Conrad's name atop the NY Times Best Seller list (I had naturally assumed Hills fans don't read).

A British schoolboy drowned when he was sucked into a pool's pumping system while looking for his lost goggles. Nathan Clark, 14, was last seen lifting a grille at the bottom of the pool in a Thai water park before disappearing into the pipe below. His father, Jim Clark, dived into the outdoor whirlpool to save him after Nathan's 15-year- old brother Rhys raised the alarm but could find no trace of him. Nathan's body finally emerged in the pool's pump room. Engineers opened a water gate there and the body spilled out as Nathan's horrified father looked on. The tragedy was compounded for the family because lifeguards at the pool at first refused to believe their pleas for help and accused them of 'playing jokes'. They said such an accident was impossible because the grille, which was a yard under the surface, was locked. Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1199161/British-y-14-drowns-sucked-swimming-pool-pump-Thai-resort.html#ixzz0L9dMiPTu&C

As if I didn't already have enough reason to be wary of pools - what with all the toddler urine. I'll stick with the ocean, thank you. It may be full of fish shit, whale spooge, and baby dolphin blood (thank you very much, Japan), but at least I won't be sucked up into piping while teenage lady-boy lifeguards sit motionless with their mouths agape. That's right I said "lady-boy" what does your brain immediately think of when reading "teenage" and "Thailand"?

Say it ain't sooooooo

Most people have been speculating that North Korea’s convention fan-version of Emperor Palpatine has been going overboard lately with gross displays of power because he’s on his last leg and thus does not have the decades necessary for an adequate PR campaign to ensure the always-smooth-going autocratic transition to his heir. I have been resistant to such postulations because I adore making fun of the man who seems more like the offspring of Wilhelm Pieck and Pol Pot than the late Kim Il Sung. Unfortunately for me, he apparently has cancer. Why do these things keep happening to me?

SEOUL, South Korea — North Korean leader Kim Jong Il has life-threatening pancreatic cancer, a news report said Monday, days after fresh images of him looking gaunt spurred speculation that his health was worsening following a reported stroke last year. The 67-year-old Kim was diagnosed with the cancer around the time he was felled by the stroke last summer, Seoul's YTN television reported, citing unidentified intelligence officials in South Korea and China. The report cited the officials saying the disease is "threatening" Kim's life. [Source: Comcast.net]

Pancreatic cancer is extremely aggressive, it is the fifth leading cause of cancer-related death in the US, and the average life-expectancy of someone afflicted with the disease is less than a year (3 to 6 months). In fact, according to wrongdiagnosis.com, fewer than five percent of pancreatic cancer patients survive five years with the disease. And that’s in AMERICA, not the land before time/experiment in divergent social evolution that is North Korea. As my brother once put it, North Korea can’t be seen from space when the sun goes down. This is, of course, great news for South Korea who will ultimately have the task of incorporating this pre-Thunderdome Bartertown and its half-dead inhabitants into their society after the resulting coup, or civil war or whatever the hell lies ahead in that dystopian nightmare. Well, Seoul, you had fifty years or so of economic boom. It was a good run.

Fuckin Teens

The family of future Nobel laureate Alexa Longueira, a 15-year-old from Staton Island, are planning on suing New York City's Department of Environmental Protection because Miss Longueira was so busy texting her classmate (presumably in the midst of a stirring discourse about the President's recent decision to investigate the deaths of Iraqi detainees under Abdul Rashid Dostum) that she unwittingly fell into the sewer through an open manhole. Sadly there were no banana peels or cream pies present at the time...

The girl suffered a fright and some scrapes on her arms back after she dropped into the hole on Victory Boulevard....For its part, the Department of Environmental Protection said its workers had turned away briefly to grab some cones when the incident occurred. "We regret that this happened and wish the young woman a speedy recovery," DEP spokeswoman Mercedes Padilla said in a statement. She added that crews were flushing a high-pressure sewer line at the time. The girl was checked out at Staten Island University Hospital and released. Sewer line workers are supposed to cut off pedestrian access to work sites or at least mark them with warning signs. The family said they will file a lawsuit -- for what, though, is not immediately clear. Her mother, Kim Longueira, said it doesn't matter that her daughter was walking and texting, and also, the 'gross' factor that can't be ignored.
"Oh my God, it was putrid," she said. "One of her sneakers is still down there"[Source: msnbc.msn.com]

UGH. Anyone who knows me knows of my conflagrant, all-consuming hatred of teens. Frankly I'd love to throw them all down sewers. But the thing about this incident that inspires the most ire in me is, unquestionably, the parents' decision to sue (and the fact that they'll probably win). The kid fell into a hole full of shit. That sucks. But this is a good lesson in paying attention to where the fuck you're walking. She wasn't physically injured. This is nothing that a shower and a stern beating can't fix. Frankly I think she owes the Department of Environmental Protection an apology for interrupting their work and upsetting those poor workers. If I were on the jury, I wouldn't even award this mongoloid the cost of a replacement shoe. In fact, I'd probably reccommend to the judge that her tubes be tied to prevent the possibility of her poisoning the earth with her insensate seed. *wipes foam from mouth, catches breath*

Best. Story. Ever.

I don't really have much I can say to improve upon the following block quote. It comes from metro.co.uk (of course) and it is the story of a Russian woman who won a weight-lifting competition. Why is that so awesome? Because she lifted the weight with her knob-gobbler. I'm guessing this competition is not on any of the ESPN channels I get.

A Russian woman has set a new world record in the competitive world of vagina lifting by raising 14kg using her ... hmmm ... well you know. "You insert one of the balls in your vagina, and it has a string attached to it with a little hook at the very end. You fix a second ball onto this hook." Thanks Tatiata. As for how she got into the sport, here she is again.

"After I had a child, my intimate muscles got unbelievably weak. I read books on Dao and learned that ancient women used to deal with this problem using wooden balls.
"I looked around, saw a Murano glass ball and inserted it in my vagina. It took me ages to get it out!
"It's enough to exercise your vagina five minutes a day, ladies,
and in just one week you'll be able to give yourself and your man unforgettable pleasure in bed." [Source: metro.co.uk]

Wow. Wooden balls eh? That sounds...well...splintery. Still, 14kg? That's 30 fucking pounds! I've got a lot of training to do. *picks up boss' glass candy dish* If anyone needs me, I'll be in the john.

Photo of the Week: When in France

I'll be coming back from vacation after breakfast on Monday, so hopefully this awesome picture will tide you over until I return. I'm speaking of course to Becca as she is the only one reading this.